DID YOU KNOW the Fox network is turning a creaky 25 years old this year? That's the age when most people realize they're no longer children and may very well end up lonely underemployed potheads living in their grandmother's garage. (Not you, of course.) (Yes, you.)
Anyway, Fox is celebrating its anniversary this Sunday, April 22, starting with a rebroadcast of the 1987 premiere episode of Married... with Children at 7 pm, followed by a repeat of The Simpsons 500th episode, and THEN at 8 pm, the star-studded Fox's 25th Anniversary Special featuring classic clips from That '70s Show, In Living Color, and more! Note: Don't expect any mention of The Chevy Chase Show (1993–1993, RIP).
Now, while Fox has certainly produced a J.Lo-sized assload of great TV—QUICKLY! Here's my top 10 list of Best Fox Shows EVARRR! (10) New Girl, and, YES, I AM putting New Girl on this list, and, YES, you can suck it!! (9) Married... with Children. (8) Martin. (7) In Living Color. (6) The Ben Stiller Show. (5) Profit (sooo good... Google that shit). (4) Firefly. (3) The X-Files. (2) The Simpsons (not "best" anymore, of course). And (1) Arrested Development. Oh! And honorable mention: Malcolm in the Middle. HOWEVER! Fox also made a Shakira-sized assload of stinkos! STINKOS I ABSOLUTELY LOVED! Introducing Humpy's Top 10 List of Fox Stinkos (That Were Actually Pretty Great):
10. Beverly Hills, 90210: High-school angst paired with Brenda's droopy right eye and Dylan's hair implants? Sign me up for 10 seasons!
9. 21 Jump Street: I don't care if they were undercover high-school narcs! I'd gladly surrender my five-pound bag of "Mary Jo Wanna" if Johnny Depp were slapping on the cuffs!
8. Dollhouse: Clearly the worst offering from nerd god Joss Whedon, and yet? Even his stinkiest poop is better than anything on CBS!
7. Fastlane: A criminally underrated action show starring Twilight's Peter Facinelli, MTV's Bill Bellamy, and Saved by the Bell's Tiffani-Amber Thiessen! The only thing missing? Above-mediocre ratings.
6. Dark Angel: Something something something a 19-year-old Jessica Alba dressed in leather.
5. The Simple Life: Debutantes Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are forced to inhale cow manure and be nice to poor people. That's hot!
4. Models, Inc.: One of the last great trashy soaps from Aaron Spelling, and a spin-off of Melrose Place, which was a spin-off of Beverly Hills, 90210, which was a spin-off of Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. (What? You didn't know that?)
3. Melrose Place: Franken-Kim! Sydney the whore! Amanda the bitch! And... that poor black girl who disappeared after the first season. Oh! And "Shooters"!
2. The O.C.: A nighttime soap that would've been pure disaster without the awesome indie-rock soundtrack and dysfunctional romance of Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts. (Though part-time lesbian/full-time drunk Marissa grew on me.)
And my first (obvious) choice. Celebrity Boxing: The greatest reality show of all time, forcing terrible D-list celebs (like Dustin "Screech" Diamond vs. Ron "Horshack" Palillo) into the ring to punch each other's faces off! My only regret? No Celebrity Pudding Wrestling! (Featuring Jessica Alba vs. Summer Roberts.) Oh, Fox. How you have failed me!!
THIS WEEK ON TELEVISION
THURSDAY, APRIL 19
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Tonight: Leslie's latest attempt at completely destroying her campaign.
10:00 BRAVO KATHY
Debut! Kathy Griffin's got a new pop-culture talk show, which will either inspire love, or the need to stab your face off.
FRIDAY, APRIL 20
9:00 CMT JENNIE GARTH: A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY
Debut! The original 90210 star embarks on a new career as a hillbilly. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Season premiere! Karl's new idea for a movie about a man whose brain is transplanted into Tom Cruise's body.
SATURDAY, APRIL 21
9:00 SYFY ALIEN TORNADO—Movie
(2012) Aliens are attacking us with tornadoes, and it's up to a "tornado blogger" to stop it. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!
SUNDAY, APRIL 22
8:00 FOX FOX 25th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
A retrospective of Fox's first quarter century on the air. Hey, remember Herman's Head??
10:00 HBO VEEP
Debut! Julia Louis-Dreyfus stars as a beleaguered vice president in this buzzy new comedy series!
MONDAY, APRIL 23
9:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE
Season finale! Don't miss the Lee Press-On Nail-biting grand finale!
TUESDAY, APRIL 24
8:00 FOX GLEE
The gleetards devote their show to Whitney Houston. Hasn't she suffered enough??
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Unwilling to admit her feelings, Cece encourages Schmidt to date her beautiful roommate. Ummm... OKAY!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
9:00 ABC DON'T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23
James (Van Der Beek) is psyched for his new role in a body-switching film! (I hope he switches with Joey or Pacey.)
10:00 SYFY TOTAL BLACKOUT
Debut! A creepy competition where all the challenges take place in a pitch-dark room. Even creepier? It's hosted by Urkel!!