(Item #1 in our time capsule)

Dear "Future":

First of all... I'm not drunk. See, that's what I hate about you fucks from the future. You're all "Monday morning quarterbacks" sitting in your goddamn zero-gravity Barcaloungers reading so-called "police reports" about me and "tsk-tsk-tsking" about how drunk I supposedly am/was/am. Well, SURPRISE, shitbirds... I'm not nearly as drunk as I will be when I get to where you are (FYI, the FUTURE) and when I do? I'm gonna smash your ass off!!

That's right, future! I see the way you look at me. Like... like... I'm some sort of primitive, drooling Neanderthal wearing an ill-fitting Taco Bell-stained T-shirt, and reeking of rum and gin and schnapps and some kind of orange-flavored brandy liqueur, I don't fuckin' know.

Well, screeeeew YOU, Captain Picard! I'm soooooo sorry we don't have your fancy-pantsy futuristic "replicators" that magically produce whatever liquor you want on your fancy-pantsy Enterprises—we actually have to WORK for our booze. We have to go to JOBS and endure our stupid COWORKERS and make MONEY and then WALK to the liquor store and PAY the liquor store and then WALK home where we get NAG, NAG, NAGGED about drinking too much liquor! And that's all before we unscrew the cap! Meanwhile you... YOU fucking future people... you just lie back on your genetically modified asses drinking scotch and sodas made by a goddamned robot? Again, FUCK YOU, Captain Picard... and that hairy-faced Riker, too!! (Not Deanna Troi, though. She's sexy even when her pantsuit clings to her vaginer.)

But let me tell you something about the PAST, you future fucks. We may not get free booze endlessly pouring from computers—but we do got something better: PEOPLE! Ever heard of 'em?? We got actual living, breathing PEOPLE who are our FRIENDS and we get drunk with 'em! We laugh with 'em, we argue with 'em, we fight 'em, and then we fuck 'em—all the while realizing that it's a terrible idea. BUT THAT'S THE POINT! That's all part of being ALIIIIIVE, SEE? And your fancy "booze computers" of the future will NEVER know what that's like.

So go ahead! Enjoy your stupid future, Wiseass Assymuff! [Editor's note: We think he means Isaac Asimov... but who knows.] I'll be sitting right here in the PAST, laughing, singing, and drinking with my friends—and not giving two shits about tomorrow. (Until I have to go to work.)

Sincerely, FUCK YOU.

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

March 2013