PORTLAND RETRO GAMING EXPO It's more fun when it's plugged in to something.

"HEY NEX, the Portland Retro Gaming Expo is coming up," my editor said to me yesterday. "Could you write a 300-word preview for the paper?"

No, Erik. No, I can't. The Portland Retro Gaming Expo is a huge, weekend-long event, and you expect me to cram the whole thing into half the space we devote to an escort ad? Fine, slave driver—but you're only getting highlights!

Live Auction (Sat Sept 24, 7 pm)—As far as I'm concerned, this is the centerpiece of the Expo. It's a wildly esoteric collection of gaming nostalgia, and it's all for sale. I like that inexplicable Atari 2600 Halo port for sheer weirdness, but I've also always wanted to own an NES copy of Chiller. Graphic light-gun decapitation beats the hell out of Duck Hunt.

Master Chief Never Looked So Good (Sun Sept 25, 10:15 am)—Why would anyone remake Halo for a console that hasn't been relevant since the Reagan administration? Good question. Luckily, Ed Fries—former VP of game publishing at Microsoft, and creator of the aforementioned oddity—is on hand to explain.

Nintendo World Championships: Flashback to 1990 (Sat Sept 24, 12:30 pm)—In 1990, Thor Aackerlund and Robin Mihara took first and third place in the Nintendo World Championships, respectively. Despite the notable absence of a pre-Rilo Kiley Jenny Lewis, their tale is riveting geek nostalgia for the children of the 1980s. (Psst! That's us!)

Geek Trivia: Videogame Edition (Sat Sept 24, 3:30 pm)—Podcasters Cort and Fatboy have adapted their semi-monthly Geek Trivia event to focus on games. There is nothing about that sentence that I do not like.

See Erik? I managed to hit the broad strokes, but I only have 19 words left! I didn't even get to mention the cosplay contest, or the show floor, or the... dammit. Out of space.