Dear Mr. Wamsutter,

I have a history of frequent urinary tract infections. I've tried antibiotics, and I drink cranberry juice constantly. My doctor is stymied, and I'm desperate, so I would really appreciate it if you could offer some good advice without yelling at me.

--Wanna Be Infection Free

Hey Infection Free!--Oh, yeah? And I would really appreciate you realizing I'M NOT THE SVENGALI OF YOUR BLADDER! Seriously, what is wrong with you freakin' people? Urinary infections? Jesus Jerry Lewis, that's freaking gross! You, walking around, dripping infection everywhere? Ack! Makes me want to freakin' vomit, is what it does. Why don't you take your drippy infected organ, and get the freak outta here, before you poison us all, you freakin' Freako McFreak?!

Dear Mr. Wamsutter,

I find your column offensive and nonsensical. Isn't this supposed to be a urinary advice column? These people have serious medical problems, and instead of helping, you insult them. And what's with the "I'm not the Svengali of your bladder" catch phrase? Svengali was a hypnotist, not a psychic. You are an idiot.

--Deeply Annoyed

Hey Annoyed--You want some urinary advice? PISS OFF, you freaking son of a freak. You think I ask for this abuse? Freaks writing me with their freakin' pee problems? I freakin' HATE pee. It's yellow, it stinks, it freakin'... bleaghhh!! And you think I give a flying freak what Svengali did for a living? Why don't you read MY freaking mind, and go freak yourself, you stinky yellow pee-loving freakface!!

Need advice regarding urinary matters? Write "I'm Not the Svengali of Your Bladder," c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210