"I'm Not The Svengali of Your Bladder!"
by LarryWamsutter

Mr. Wamsutter,

If you hate giving advice to "freaks with yellow infected pee" then why do you do it? And even more importantly, why does the Mercury allow you to keep doing it?

Just Curious

Hey Curious,

Who the freak made you my freakin' judge and jury? You freakin' fat-face freak! Think you're freakin' Perry Mason, or person like that. Let me ask YOU a question, freako. If you're so in LOVE with (Smooch! Smooch! Smooch!) yellow infected pee--gross!--Why don't you go drink a quart, you stupid freakin' fink!?

Dear Mr. Wamsutter,

What's up, Larry? Long-time reader, first-time writer. Listen, I love your column. Don't listen to all those shitbags who complain that it's "not urine-specific enough." And I LOVE your catchphrase, "I'm not the Svengali of your bladder." Hilarious! How did you think that up? Anyway, kudos, and keep up the good work!

Svengali Fan #1

Hey "Svengali Fan,"

Don't patronize me, you freaking freakface! What? You think I do this job to freakin' entertain you? Believe me, pal, I've got better things to do than to make ha-ha's and listen to freaks go on and on about their gross stinkin' pee. Freak you. Is that funny? Then laugh it up, you freaking horse's ass. Think I make up catchphrases? Think I'm freakin' Jimmy "J. J." Walker or some other freak? I'll give you something to laugh about. I'll put my freakin' foot up your can, is what I'll do. Freakin' laffy-taffy freakhole...

Need advice regarding urinary matters? Write "I'm Not the Svengali of Your Bladder," c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, 97210