NEW URINARY ADVICE COLUMN!
IT BURNS WHEN I'M PEEIN'!
By Nancy McKeon

Editor's Note: Due to differences in opinion between the author of "I'm Not the Svengali of Your Bladder" and management, we will no longer be running Larry Wamsutter's column. However, we're sure you will enjoy this new urinary advice column from the very talented star of TV's The Facts of Life, Nancy McKeon.

"Hi, everybody! I'm Nancy McKeon! You may remember me as the vivacious Jo Polniaczek from The Facts of Life. I'm really interested in your urinary problems. So send me your questions, care of this paper. Until then, I thought it might be fun to answer some leftover questions from my predecessor. Enjoy!"

Dear Mr. Wamsutter,
Do you have any advice as to how I can increase the capacity of my bladder? Perhaps there are some stretching exercises I could do, so I would not have to empty it so often?--Pea-Sized Bladder

Hey! Freak you... you freaking freak freak! I'm not the Jo Polniaczek of your bladder! Ha! Just kidding. That was a joke. Seriously, though, I don't know of any way of stretching your bladder. Do you? Good question, though!

Mr. Wamsutter,
You're OLD! And the word freak, freakin, freako is also old. Find a different word. It's not 1992, fart. OH AND I HATE YOU--Cally

Goodness. Wow. I...really don't know what to say. It sounds like you're very angry... and...gee. You know, when I said "Freak you... you freaking freak freak?" Just a minute ago? That was a joke. I'm not going to say the word "freak" all the time. Okay? I promise. Does your pee burn? Maybe you can send me another letter, and we can talk about that. I'm really, really sorry about the "freak" stuff. Seriously, that was just a joke.

Need urinary advice?
Write "It Burns When I'm Peein'!", c/oPortland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.