"Hi, everybody! I'm Nancy McKeon. You may remember me as the vivacious Jo Polniaczek from The Facts of Life. I'm really interested in your urinary problems... especially burning pee! So send me your questions, care of this paper. Okay? Okay!!"

Dear Ms. McKeon:

I have a chronic fear of spontaneous urination. When I feel apprehensive, my bladder seizes and I begin to leak. I feel a hard pressure at the tip of my urethra, and I think I might erupt at any moment. Isn't there anything besides Depends on the market? Perhaps a clamp, or something reliable I can use to shut off the pipe, if you know what I mean.-- --Fanny Handshake

Wow... gee... you know, I've never had urethra. So I really don't know for sure. Sounds bad, though! Maybe you can go to the pharmacy, and they can give you some kind of anti-urethra pill. Does urethra burn? I hope not. Gonorrhea burns, I can tell you that right now! Good question, though!

Hey Editor:

How come this freakin' "vivacious" actress ended up giving urinary advice? Was that a good and wet blowjob, bastard? Listen, I will give you an advice: Try at least to get somebody with freakin' brains.
--James W.

Oh my... Goodness. I mean, I really don't know how to respond to that. It sounds like you're angry with me for some reason. Okay... so I guess I should start off by saying that I don't engage in... mmm, oral copulation... with the editor, or anyone for that matter. I don't know, it just doesn't seem safe to me. Because, like, penises and vaginas have a lot of icky stuff going in and out of them, and some of it is pee and some of it burns. So... what if there's a mistake and some gets in your mouth? Ewww! I mean... bleech! I don't even want to think about it. Hope this helps!

Need urinary advice? Write "It Burns When I'm Peein,'" c/o
Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.