HEY! Look at dis leep steek!
by Armand Melwicki

Hey! No, hey, look! I'm wearing the leep steek! Yes I am, right on my mouth. You got to admit, it looks good, no? I am... what to say... FOXY, yes? Yes, I am FOXY! HA-HA-HAAAAAAA! I am the Jimi Hendreex song, no? The "foxy laaaaaydeeeeee!" No, no, no... yes, I'm joking. I'm not the lady. But I wear the leep steek! And I look GOOOOOD.

People, they say to me, "Armand! What are you doing? Why are you wearing the leep steek?" And I say to them, "Don't be yelling on me! I like leep steek! There is nothing wrong!" Yesssssss. Leep steek. And I especially love dis leep steek. It is the "Revlon," and it is the "ColorStay." You know what it means? It means it stays on all...day...long. You drink the coffee? It don't come off on the cup! Ha-Haaa! That's a good leep steek, all right! But! But, but, but, but, BUT! One theeng? One theeng I don't like about the Revlon? Sometimes it look...what? "Chalky." YES! It's chalky and the leeps? They look chapped! So you know? You know what I do? I take the leettle-eettle-beetty bit of vaseline. And I dot-dot-dot...and then? The leeps? They don't look so chapped! The leeps? They keesable again! AH-Ha-Ha-Ha-HAAAAAAAA! Yessssssss...Ha-HA! Yes. Kees the leeps.

You want to wear the leep steek? You should! Go on, try just the leetle bit. It's easy, see? You just steek out the leeps...you dab-dab-dab...then you tuck the leeps...and then you say "Mmmmm-WAH! I am beautiful!" And then you walk around, and the people, they say, "Thees person, thees person is beautiful, no? And the world? It's more beautiful, too!" Leep steek reminds the world, "Hey, world! We should be keesing! No more wars...no more yelling on each other...no fighting." Just keesing. Keesing with the big fat colorful leeps. It's a good world. Yessssss. A good world with the leep steek.

Your comments, please. Write "Hey! Look at Dis Leep Steek!" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.