"Hi everybody! I'm Mercury publisher Rob Crocker. As you may know, the Mercury turns one year old this week, and frankly, we're pleased as punch! The secret to our success? We keep things fresh and new around the office by firing anyone who steps out of line. That's why I've established the Annual Report Form, on which employees are given the opportunity to defend their actions over the past year, as well as explain why we shouldn't just hire someone younger, funnier, and cuter. After going over the reports during a long layover in the Hamptons, I came up with a GREAT idea! Unbeknownst to the employees, I've chosen some of the more interesting reports for you to read and laugh along with as I separate the wheat from the miserable chaff.

I think you will all agree that, here at the Mercury, we're committed to excellence--and ruining the lives of anyone who chooses to step in our way. Enjoy!"