Saw you ordered the vegan special at dinner tonight. Good call. Who doesn't love tabouli? Next time bring the leftovers to "the scrounge"—the table of upperclassmen scarfing scraps in the corner. Some of us don't have meal plans and we've gotta eat. So help a brother out. Bring us some vegetables.

Unless, of course, you've already gotten mono. And with all the making out you dudes have been doing on the front lawn, I wouldn't be shocked. That's not supposed to happen until at least Winter Formal.

Hey! I see that you're still tanned and relaxed from that drive up with your parents from Berkeley. You're positively radiant. And sweet smelling! Don't worry. A week in the library will set you straight. It's open until 2:30 am. When the buzzing of the fluorescent lights get to you, grab a partner and sneak up into fourth-floor periodicals. Just keep it down—there are people trying to write their theses.

Oh, that's something to remember: Seniors are to be handled with extreme caution. They're writing a 100-page paper that will decide whether someone's $160,000 has paid off or not. So don't get too bristled if they're ranting like Mel Gibson at last call.

But don't you worry your little head. All you should be concerned about is getting the Iliad finished for class. Or you can just watch Troy with 300 other Reedies in the lecture hall Rocky Horror style, screaming spear jokes at Brad Pitt.

Oh, and another thing. Those clothes of yours look pretty firsthand. You know, with some scuffing up you could look really cute. Goodwill's Bins aren't far away. Clothes by the pound!

Or you could order some Deerhoof and Decemberists T-shirts on the net. Just remember to get everything at least a size too small. Otherwise, you won't be allowed into the Paradox for coffee.

If you see a golden kid-sized bike, go ahead. Take a spin. You can thank the Reed Kommunal Shit Kollektiv for that. And if you see a giant fire-spouting mutant bike, you can thank CHUNK 666, another Reed institution. Check out the extensive comic book library and look over the very first issues of X-Men. Just follow the smell of Doritos and Rockstar energy drink.

You're going to have to start speaking Reedie. Foucault and Bakhtin will help, but in the meantime, there are some quick fixes. Start prefacing all of your sentences with the phrase, "I feel." For instance, rather than saying "Power Rangers rock!!!" try a more subtle approach: "I feel like The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is a seminal text in the Japanese masked-warrior genre." See? You already sound astute.

Get out into Portland immediately. It's the greatest city in the world, and it's about to rain. For eight months.

Keep an eye out for the Doyle Owl. Rumors place it in Boston at the moment, but you never know. It's a 300-pound concrete statue. You can't miss it.

Do whatever you want, but follow the honor principle. The beer's PBR. The song's "Eye of the Tiger."

Welcome to the world headquarters of communism, atheism, and free love.

Welcome to the jungle, kiddo.

Devin Bambrick, class of '08