It has something to do with the birds and the bees. I'm pretty sure of that.

Sure, my parents never actually sat me down and told me about "genitals" or "where babies come from," but I'm pretty sure that in my 26 years, I've managed to figure it out. And it starts with the birds and the bees!

You see, bees like to pollinate things, sometimes with pollen and sometimes with honey, which is more scientifically known as "bee semen." "Semen," meanwhile, is even more scientifically known as "splooge"—and once a bee takes some of its splooge and feeds it to a bird, well, that's when the miracle of life happens.

The first thing that happens is the bird eats the splooge, because it tastes like honey. Then the bird poops, sometimes on peoples' heads or car windshields, and sometimes—very rarely—over a cabbage patch.

When the bird shits out the bee's honeysplooge and it lands on a cabbage, a Cabbage Patch Kid is born. The Cabbage Patch Kid crawls out of the ground, hissing and spitting and clawing—it's angry, like a wolverine. Usually Cabbage Patch Kids die at this point, because they don't have any bones and can't get food for themselves. These are called "weaklings."

The lucky ones, however, are picked up by a giant stork that flies them around the sky. But then the stork gets tired, and drops them. Not just anywhere, though! The stork only drops the Cabbage Patch Kids into the arms of toothless 14-year-old girls from Arkansas. And then another magical thing happens: As soon as the Cabbage Patch Kid touches a toothless 14-year-old girl from Arkansas, they magically turn into a real baby, made up of flesh and bone and a lot of piss, which makes any 14-year-old girl go "Eeew!" and cram it into the nearest dumpster, to be rid of it, forever footloose and fancy-free.

Then, sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they'll be making out in an alley and hear the baby crying from the dumpster, and they'll find the baby and take it home and adopt it and let it watch Sesame Street, because their relationship has gotten to the point where they need something—anything, even a screaming, pissing baby—to maintain any sort of interest in each other. This is how you and I came into the world! Unless you're an orphan (and that's a whole other story, involving Evil Chinamen). On the other hand, sometimes the two people who love each other very much don't find the baby in time—so the baby dies a cold, hungry, lonely death in the bottom of a reeking dumpster. Such is the miracle of life!