Woof. Picking which of Pedalpalooza's 253 bike rides to attend is no fun. Neither is dying of exhaustion. So here are our top 12 rides for the festival—check out the rest in this issue's calendar insert, or at pedalpalooza.org.

Thursday, June 7

KICKOFF RIDE AND PARTY—There's no better way to ring in June than by joining a slow-paced bike mob that will trek around the city before finding its way to beer, food, and live music at an awesome Mercury-hosted party in slick new bike shop VeloCult. Ride starts at South Park Blocks, 6 pm, party at VeloCult, 1969 NE 42nd, 7 pm, all ages

Saturday, June 9

MORRISSEY MOBILE DISCO—Dress like the Smiths, dance to the Smiths. Just for hilarity's sake, this group is also meeting up with the Dr. Who-themed ride. The Fish and Chips Shop, 1218 N Killingsworth, 7:45 pm (ride at 9 pm)

Sunday, June 10

CROSS PARTY—Sometimes a bike ride is actually about riding bikes instead of wearing costumes. Come one, come all, to this exceedingly laidback, no-prize cyclocross race at Powell Butte. Harrison Park, 2225 SE 87th, 1 pm

Monday, June 11

PARKS AND PLACES ART RACES—An alleycat race through Portland where you make art at every stop. Hellooo cute art school kids! Col. Summers Park, SE 20th & Belmont, 9 pm

Tuesday, June 12

BIKE AND SHOOT—Local filmmaking nonprofit NW Documentary is teaching an innovative class on shooting a documentary by bike. It involves everything from editing to, uh, "mounting techniques." Sign up early for a spot! NW Documentary, 115 SW Ash, Suite 420, times vary

Thursday, June 14

DARCELLE'S PARADE—Portland's favorite 81-year-old drag queen Darcelle XV is leading a downtown tour. Dress to impress. Darcelle XV Showplace, 208 NW 3rd, 5:30 pm

Saturday, June 16

BLOOMSDAY—Literary nerd alert! Have you ever wanted to combine exercise with showing off your James Joyce knowledge? Heavens be blessed for today's Ulysses-themed alleycat race. Mt. Tabor Park, registration at 10 am

WORLD NAKED BIKE RIDE—Enough with the highbrow book learnin'! Let's take off our clothes. SE Salmon & Water, gates open 9 pm, ride starts 10 pm

Sunday, June 17

DISASTER RELIEF TRIALS—The city is destroyed. Cars are unusable. Could you haul the city's vital supplies to survivors via cargo bike? Find out. VeloCult, 1969 NE 42nd, 10 am, $25

Saturday, June 23

DREAM OF THE 1890s—Explore the history of old-timey Portland with local historians. NW Cultural Center, 1819 NW Everett, 3:15 pm

Sunday, June 24

MT TABOR DOWNHILL—Portland's only fully-legal skateboard race hits Portland's only extinct volcano for all-day action. Mt. Tabor Park, 9 am

Wednesday, June 27

HAMMERCISE—Wear your best neon spandex for this group-exercise-dance-party ride that artfully mixes MC Hammer with Jazzercise. PCC Cascade, 705 N Killingsworth, 6 pm