Illustration by Kalah Allen

Hate to break the news, kid, but your lemonade stand sucks. The shit was warm, and your hair was a bit unkempt. Also, I don't think you have ever washed your hands thoroughly. You were missing a few teeth too, but I'll let that slide. The sign said it was organic, so I asked you if the lemonade was certified organic. You shrugged your shoulders. No reply, just shrugged. What the fuck kind of business plan do you have here? I saw your empties—Organic Valley and Western Family commingling??? Maybe put some lemons on your table instead of some dumbass dirty doll with glasses. Is this fucking funny to you? Serving warm lemonade, high up on Mt. Tabor, that is "sort of" half organic?? Shit lady, the goddamn "a" on your sign was backward to boot. I tried telling you this and you said, "I dunno." I've reported you to the health department. You've been warned!—Anonymous