Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the person who stole my tip jar: I hope that you die in a fiery fucking car accident in the woods that lasts three months and all the bears, squirrels, bunnies, and shit slowly eat your half-alive burning body as you are forced to watch in the rearview mirror because you are wedged between the seat and a fallen tree. Then, after you die, I hope you suffer an eternity of pain and anguish. I hope you are forced to listen to the Spin Doctors cover "Life Is a Highway" over and over again until your fucking ears bleed. I hope that you are repeatedly sodomized with my broken tip jar by Larry the Cable Guy while Jeff Foxworthy beats off on your face while telling you redneck jokes, all while spending several millennia riding a perpetual #6 bus. Get a fucking job!—Anonymous