Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Japanese tourists—Welcome to Portland. I'm honored that you've chosen our city as your vacation destination, however I would like to address one little thing: Do not fucking insult us in Japanese. Some of us Portlanders, like myself, speak it quite fluently. I understand that I'm white as a sheet and don't look like it, but I understood all the crass shit you said about me. When you said my ass is huge, and you wanted to get lost in my crack, I understood that. When you said that I look like a cow and you wanted to drink my milk, I fucking understood that, too. You're rude as hell, and that's why I called you out by the bus stop near Powell's. That look of utter shock on your face when you realized I understood you was absolutely priceless, and I could tell you were embarrassed as fuck. Good. I'm glad. And I'd be happy to call you out again if you call me a dumb American again. Here's a suggestion: Be a good little tourist, shove a Voodoo Doughnut into your mouth, and unless you need directions, leave us the hell alone.—Anonymous