Illustration by Kalah Allen

1. Always use your turn signal. This fucking rule is simply just to protect the body of the innocent. Makes complete fucking sense, right? 2. DON'T EVER USE MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH! Why? Because it's MY fucking toothbrush, and it's not your fucking toothbrush. Just because I brush my teeth in the shower doesn't give you the right to use it without asking, thereby not allowing me to defend my toothbrush before battle. You do not get to fucking use it. I wash my whole body in the shower, which includes my teeth, so just because it's in there, and yours is by the sink, doesn't give you the right to exit the bathroom with "Baby, I used your toothbrush" spewing from your lips as if it were going to be fine because we romantically kissed. IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME! I get it—with kissing we are absolutely balls deep in each other's DNA. I under-fucking-stand that. However, we're not licking each other's teeth when we kiss. Using someone's toothbrush is exactly the same as chewing on someone's used dental floss when they're done. And that's really fucking gross to me!—Anonymous