Illustration by Kalah Allen

Stop using filters to make your piece-of-shit 450-square-foot shoebox condo look bigger. Also, stop saying, "This is what Portland living is all about" in your ad. No it's not, it's gentrified condo living that is a blight to the neighborhood and caters to assholes like myself who are fine with being robbed so we can enjoy air conditioning, a washer and dryer, sound proofing, no mold, and modern amenities. Lastly, if you post five or so pictures and they're of the lobby, the courtyard, a scone on a doily, a hipster girl walking her dog, a hipster girl sipping coffee, a hipster girl smiling on her bike, a hipster girl doing anything, a potted plant, a yoga mat, Powell's, etc., I'm just going to assume the apartment itself is a piece-of-shit cubbyhole with one single sad window that looks out to a brick wall. Stop trying to sell me on the cool new lifestyle I'm suddenly supposed to inherit if I move into your horrible community. I don't mind if you rip me off, just don't make me cringe at your corny-as-fuck portrayal of Portland in the process. It's fucking embarrassing.—Anonymous