Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear poseur slackline hippies in Colonel Summers Park: Far be it from me to disparage you for developing such an important, marketable skill. And yes, you are quite good at balancing on a rope. And yes, it is hilarious when you fall off. However, you, my crunchy, bearded, Reedie friends, with your flowing manes and taut abs, are irreparably damaging the trees you tie your (totally not hemp) ropes to. The smaller one is pretty much dead already, and the larger one is showing majors signs of stress and probably won't survive your continued onslaught. Soon there will be a little less shade, and the air will be a little dirtier, and your fun will be over. Congratulations on destroying the world with your coolness, brahs!—Anonymous