Illustration by Kalah Allen

Hey, Germ Freak working on the second floor of my office building: I feel ya. I don't like touching bathroom door handles, either. And though you waste an obscene amount of paper managing this disorder, I can forgive you for that, too. But after you use the paper towel to open the door, so that your precious little hands never make indirect contact with some other dude's dirty dong—could you please stop throwing crumpled wads of paper on the floor? Think about it: Don't you have to open the door to your office after you leave the bathroom? The same door all those filthy cock fondlers also handle? This is a place of business, but where is it okay to drop your detritus into a mounting pile on the floor? Apparently where only people with very clean penises work.—Anonymous