Kalah Allen

Dear Pizza Man—I am sorry you caught me masturbating on my couch. I don't normally enjoy myself in the living room, but I was relishing a night alone. I'm sorry I put us both in that horribly awkward situation. I have never dreaded opening the door to someone more in my life. I tried to make it better by tipping you extra, but there are some situations in life you are never taught how to deal with. I promise I would have been more conscientious, but to be fair, you did arrive before the estimated delivery time. This was the first time in my life that a pizza arrived early. I promise I'm not always such a mess. I can only hope that perhaps it made your night more exciting. I am left wondering though, why you didn't knock or ring the doorbell. How long would I have gone had my dog not noticed you?—Anonymous