Kalah Allen

To the handsome young man living in my apartment building: I'm a young, attractive female who lives in the same building you do. I'm currently single, have been casually dating a string of latent homosexuals and assholes, and I think you're very cute. I'd love to add you to my rotation of young suitors, but—well, someone's gotta tell you this so it may as well be me... the unicycle. It's a deal breaker. It's clear that this unicycle is key to your mojo; you even have it fitted with a thick mountain bike tire (all the better for your extreme urban unicycling). And okay, to tell you the truth, your athleticism is kind of impressive. It's not so much that I can't handle the unicycle in and of itself, it's just that—and this is key—I don't want to be "that girl whose boyfriend rocks a unicycle." So anyhow, just wanted to let you know. Hopefully you'll read this, get a bike, car, motorcycle—anything less retarded than a unicycle—and then please do give me a call. I'm waiting.—Anonymous