Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the jerk who ATTACKED my hand last night: YOU SQUISHED MY HAND. Now, I'm no pushover in the handshake world, and I usually wouldn't mind a bit of a squeeze, but JESUS. First of all—FUCK YOU. I feel like I've been dominated, and I don't even have the whip marks this time. Maybe you were angry at me because your girlfriend doesn't like me and I don't like her. Maybe you just like to give people stitches. I'm not sure if this is something you do regularly or just on special occasions. From now on I decline all offers of handshakes from everyone. Why do I have to shake your hand? If I wanted to touch you, I'd ask you out. Until then, you don't get to touch me. Who decided that this was a good way to introduce yourself?—Anonymous