Illustration by Kalah Allen

I was here during the rise and the fall of the club Satyricon. I watched as local papers told us Courtney Love was a regular (she definitely was NOT!), and that if we were lucky we could get in to see Portland bands like Everclear and Sleater-Kinney (NOT PORTLAND BANDS!). Who could I trust in this town? Who wouldn't lie to me? The goddamn marquee sign on the front of the building!! That's who! When it said "90 Proof" or "Sweaty Nipples" or "Poison Idea" or "Jolly Mon" or one of my all-time favorite postings, "Speed Weenie w/Shit Finger," I knew it was going to be an evening of pure PORTLAND debauchery. What? You don't know who these bands are? The sign on the front of the Satyricon does! That's why I drove downtown in my official-looking truck, with an official ladder, put on an official orange vest and an official hard hat, and in broad daylight officially STOLE THE SIGN off the front of the building. It is in my possession, and will never be in the hands of the likes of Art Alexookiedooke (that Everclear guy) or Britney Spears or whoever the hell the local media wants to tell me rocked this town!! Not in my lifetime!! NOT IN MY TOWN!!—Anonymous