Kalah Allen
Umbrellas Are For Assholes

To anyone who carries an umbrella on a regular basis: You are an asshole. You crowd the sidewalks so that the rest of us have to dodge around you. You accidentally poke people in the eye. And you look like an idiot holding an umbrella over your head when it's not really raining. I will assume that you are not from around here, and are therefore ignorant of the situation. You've heard that it rains a lot in Portland. And yes, it does rain all the time. But if you've ever taken the time to actually notice the rain and not just cower under your umbrella, you'll notice that there are precious few instances when you really need an umbrella to stay dry. Most of the time, it's just drizzle. You really can walk around in it, no problem. And when you go inside, you won't be wet and uncomfortable, because you just won't get that wet. If you carry an umbrella because you have to sit outside at your kid's soccer game for three hours, fine. But if you carry an umbrella solely because you don't want to mess up your hair and makeup, then you're just an asshole. --Anonymous