Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear little pieces-of-shit bitches who steal from local businesses: You are hipsters. I've never really understood the definition of that word, but after seeing you thieving bitches in action, I think I'm finally starting to get it. You knowingly display a bitch attitude, probably thinking that no one will ever know what you're up to in your fucking fashionable clothing. You probably think you're some sort of "revolutionary" or some shit like that, skulking around with your fucking pseudo-pretentious fashionable persona. Forget those people who drink Pabst or wear jeggings or whatever—I don't have a term for people like that. I'm talking about you fucking hipster thieves. Don't pretend: Local businesses are people just like you (except honest), and you know full well that you are fucking them over. Grow some balls, why don't you? If you have to steal, why not take from a big business—one that treats their employees like shit? At least they have money to cover your type of thievery, you awful pieces of pretentious hipster shit.—Anonymous