Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear New Seasons patron—I totally deserved the note you left on my windshield calling me a d-bag for my great parking job. I parked my busted-ass Honda Accord way too close to the parking line and I didn't make it easy for you to back out of your spot. I even noticed this myself and decided, "Nawww, I'll just leave it where it is." In fact, I always park poorly. I can't parallel park to save my life, I have poor depth perception so I'm always too close to the line, I almost always end up on the curb, and I probably drove too slowly getting there in the first place. Did you see that bite mark in my bumper? I ran into a fucking boulder. It was huge. I'm just kind of a shitty driver. The truth is that I was in a hurry to get some food to make a nice dinner for my girlfriend. She had a really tough day, and I was more focused on taking care of her than making life convenient for anyone else. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not really a d-bag, and I am sorry if I made you grind your teeth—I'm sure you had a long day too. Thanks for not keying my car.—Anonymous