Illustration by Kalah Allen

Night after night you park on the wrong side of the street, facing the wrong direction, forcing me to do either (1) the same, parking in front of your hipster Craigslist shanker, or (2) park down the street. Neither seem reasonable since you have a driveway, and a fucking clue... somewhat. So, on to the local crows. Lately, they've been waking the neighborhood up at 6:45 am, sharp. A little after 7 am is when you usually realize that there is a huge crow attraction on the roof of your asshole-mobile. I laugh and watch as you attempt to frighten away the madness that a few simple stale chunks of bread has created. Meanwhile the crow scratch marks on your farty painted Mini Cooper roof are completely out of control. Yet, through all this, you don't get it. Park. In. Front. Of. Your. Own. Place. Do this. Please. I promise I'll stop being such a crummy bummer.—Anonymous