Illustration by Kalah Allen

Oh, you're quite a catch, Cloney McBeardo at a NE 28th bar. Surely you noticed the three women in line waiting to order, and must have decided you could wait no longer. You sidled in front of me to attempt to order first. Nice move. It would have been smooth if you had picked on anyone but me, who called you out on it. You claimed, "There are no lines at bars 'in Portland!!'" I had no idea the line ambassador of all of PORTLAND was at the bar ready to lay down some knowledge on the first person to follow common-sense decorum! You were clearly shocked when I pushed back on your assertion. It's hard to have your privilege checked, but you were in the wrong in the situation. I got served first, as I had waited in line like a goddamned adult, thanked you for the lesson in how to act "in Portland," and walked away. The cutest part was how you tried to dog me from across the bar. No one is afraid of passive-aggressive man-children. I'm sure your parents told you that you were very special, but apparently they never told you to WAIT YOUR GODDAMNED TURN. —Anonymous