Jeremy Eaton

Don't you dare accuse me of having a weird sexual obsession with Boy Scouts—BECAUSE I DON'T! However, if there is one motto I can point to that has gotten me out of plenty of sticky situations, it's that old Scouts saying, "BE PREPARED." For example, last week I wrote of my short and successful stay in prison—successful because I was PREPARED and brought along plenty of cigarettes and Crisco (because as we know, prisoners love flakey biscuits).

You see, whenever I'm not watching TV or banging a sweet piece of booty, I'm daydreaming about incredibly stressful/dangerous situations and how to get out of them. By working out these problems in advance, I can "be prepared" when the stressful/dangerous situation arises, extricate myself from it, and return to watching TV and banging sweet pieces of that aforementioned booty.

Let's imagine I stumble upon a suitcase containing four million dollars, which probably belongs to a drug cartel. Knowing my greed would overtake me, I'd steal the money, divide it into four parts which I'd hide in four separate storage facilities (bus lockers, trunk of a car, etc.) in four different states. Then, I would take a Greyhound bus to the Florida panhandle where I'd charter a boat, slip into Mexico, and spend the next two years hiding out, sipping margaritas and banging sweet Mexican booty. PROBLEM SOLVED, and in two years, whoop-dee-woo, I'm RICH!

The reason I bring this up is because the kids from The O.C. are in a similarly stressful predicament, and since they are clearly not prepared, it's up to me to help them figure a way out. When we last saw Marissa, Ryan, Seth, and Summer in The O.C. season finale, Ryan was about to be bludgeoned by his rapist brother Trey when Marissa walked in and decided the best course of action would be to blow Trey's freaking head off. Happily for me, she did (Trey was a dick)—but as we will see in the upcoming season premiere of The O.C. (Fox, Thurs Sept 8, 8 pm), the kids are faced with a conundrum: Do they call the cops (No way! Booo cops!) or save Marissa's hide the old-fashioned way... by disposing of the bloody, bullet-filled body?

Naturally I would choose the latter—but only because I've already run this scenario through my head and have concocted a fool-proof plan... WHICH IS AS FOLLOWS: (1) Ryan gives Marissa a few well-placed slaps to calm her down. (2) Summer slaps her as well... preferably while topless. (3) Seth purchases a butcher's apron, a giant ice cooler, cleaning products, and a very sharp machete. (4) Ryan gets Marissa juiced up on liquor. (5) The gang dumps Trey into the tub and leaves Marissa alone to chop him into tiny bits. (6) After cleaning up the blood, they load all the little Trey bits into the ice cooler and take a ride on Marissa's father's boat. (7) After Trey becomes fish food, they steer the boat to Mexico where the topless Summer meets a mysterious, light-skinned "Mexican" TV critic. (8) She bangs his booty. PROBLEM SOLVED.

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