jeremy eaton

You know, the really interesting thing about television is... is... GodDAMMIT! Can you please put down that videogame controller and listen to me? It really hurts my feelings when I try to pretend I know something about television, and YOU'RE too busy mashing buttons on that stupid videogame machine to pay attention. Don't you understand?? I have feelings! I have needs! And as such, I demand res... NO, I will NOT move out from in front of the screen! Why don't you MOVE OUT? OF OUR HOUSE! That's right: I ain't got no time for any triflin' loafers in my life. Need help carrying your bags? Well, ask your friend Donkey Kong! I SAID, GET OUT!!!

And... scene.

Hello, everyone. I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and what you just witnessed was a short skit about the dangers of videogame addiction. Videogame addiction can strike anyone—at anytime. Think only pimply faced boys play videogames? Think again. A recent study showed that women over the age of 40 actually spend more time per week playing online games than men and TEENS. You hear that, Mom? Get your ass BACK in the kitchen and heat me up a Hot Pocket!!

Just kidding. My mother's dead—but the point I'm trying to make is very serious indeed. With menopausal women shoving teens and emotionally stunted men off the couch in order to play videogames—that means there's LESS time for you and I to watch actual TV shows! And videogame makers are actually making things WORSE by catering to these women. According to a recent news story, Buena Vista Games is coming out with a game based on ABC's dumbfoundingly popular show, Desperate Housewives. (I only wish I were kidding.)

The Desperate Housewives game is due out in September, and plays a lot like The Sims. In the game, you are a new housewife moving onto Wisteria Lane, which means you have the following jobs to accomplish: gossip, lie, steal, sleep with someone else's husband, and possibly commit murder. ("Boring people to death" is another hallmark of the show, but they're not advertising that aspect.)

You can also fully customize your character's home (selecting furniture and upgrading appliances) and even how you look, choosing from "hundreds of facial features, body types, and clothing options." NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE! Finally I can crossdress without getting all those dirty looks from my mother—in heaven. (God! Why can't she mind her own business??)

Plus players can compete in "mini games" such as a cooking competition and gardening challenge. WOW. Don't forget the "suicide challenge," when you realize you're playing a game that is even more boring than your ACTUAL LIFE. For the love of Keeee-rist, why can't these videogame designers pick a more interesting subject... like, oh, I don't know... ME? In the I Love Television game, players would LOOK JUST LIKE ME, and compete in the following events: (1) Bang the mayor's daughter. (2) "Borrow" cars and not return them. (3) Convert college students to homosexuality. (4) Fight aliens, and (5) maybe watch a little TV. You know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE!