jeremy eaton

As previously and voraciously stated in this column, ME NO LIKE NERDS. I am an unapologetic bully who gets unbridled joy from picking up nerds by their underpants and dumping them headfirst into garbage receptacles. Does this make me a bad person? NO. See, there's a delicate balance in the universe, consisting of "good/evil" and "bully/nerd." And if maintaining this delicate balance requires me to occasionally "pants" a nerd at the gym? I'd say that makes me a hero.

Did I say "hero"? Why, that's a perfect segue into today's topic, "Nerds on TV who dress up like superheroes." Now, I don't have anything against comic books, per se... they teach kids how to read, and from what I understand, Archie is a hoot. However, when one turns 14 years old, one should put away their toys, and start concentrating on ONE THING: getting a sweet taste of booty. Unfortunately, many nerds ignore this advice and continue living in "childhood fantasy land" well into their 20s. "Ohhhhh... CRAM IT, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "If reading funny books instead of getting laid makes these misguided nerds happy, what harm is there in that?" What harm is there? Did you just ask me, "WHAT HARM IS THERE?" Okay, then... JUST THIS.

This Thursday on the Sci-Fi Channel (July 27, 9 pm) is the world premiere of a new reality program entitled Who Wants to Be a Superhero? It's a game show in which nerds create their own superheroes, put on costumes, and then compete against each other in a series of challenges. The winner will receive their own comic book created by Marvel comics mastermind Stan Lee (also a producer/judge for the series), and their character will appear in an original Sci-Fi Channel movie!

OKAY. Let's stop right now, and let me state for the record that I have no problem with people occasionally dressing up like superheroes. I dressed up like The Flash one Halloween, and got laid SIX TIMES. (What can I say? The Flash moves fast.) But in this series, the contestants will be wearing their costumes and acting like their characters 24/7—which is WAAAAY beyond the boundaries of normal reality show humiliation.

But... since these people chose to sign up, they deserve whatever they get—and what they're going to "get" is a kick in the patoot from ME. Why? It's that "delicate balance of the universe" thingy. You can't have a group of superheroes running around without a cadre of polar-opposite super villains to beat them up... right? That's why I'm starting up a new organization called "THE CONSORTIUM OF VILLAINY." (Apparently, "The Legion of Doom" has already been taken.)

Anyway, the plan is to storm the final taping of Who Wants to Be a Superhero? and beat the crap out of them. Would you like to join? OF COURSE, YOU WOULD. You get to wear a cool uniform (usually something sexy, like leather), you get to steal shit, and most importantly, YOU GET TO BEAT UP NERDS. (Ooops. Actually, the most important thing is that you get to have A LOT of sex. But beating up nerds comes in a close second.)