jeremy eaton

Like a particularly itchy case of b-hole scabies, it's back! Yes, it's the Best TV Character of the Year Awards, wherein I watch a year's worth of television and choose which character really gets my hormones hoppin'. And here are the nominees!

"FAT" MAJOR APOLLO (from Battlestar Galactica): If you're familiar with Major Lee "Apollo" Adama from BSG, then you already know this hot piece of man-meat is built like a trilithium shithouse. That's why it was especially disturbing when he got super fat this season—I'm talking Louie Anderson fat. Sure, his obesity supposedly symbolized his guilt for abandoning his human crew to those pee-hole Cylons, but holy cow—what a porker! Happily for everyone, the humans escaped the Cylons, and three episodes later, Apollo replaced his fat suit with 12-pack abs. Whew... and Rrrrrrowwrrrr.

MICHAEL SANDECKI—THE GUY WHO HAD A CLAY AIKEN FREAK-OUT (from American Idol): Idol fans may remember Michael Sandecki as the Clay Aiken look-alike/number-one fan who auditioned for AI, but didn't go to Hollywood. However! When he was invited to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" during the Idol finale as a tribute to Aiken, he went completely ape poop when the real Clay Aiken swished onstage! It looked like someone told him he'd won $50 million at the exact moment he accidentally stepped on a downed power line. In other words... awesome.

NEW YORKTHE REALITY SHOW CONTESTANT, NOT THE CITY (from Flavor of Love): Thanks to YouTube, it was the spit viewed 'round the world. On Flavor of Love—in which rapper Flavor Flav picks a mate from a gaggle of etiquette-challenged women—one of the contestants, nicknamed New York, accused another girl, named Pumkin, of being "a professional actor"... apparently a grave insult. Pumkin retaliated by hocking a weighty loogie into New York's face, who then grabbed Pumkin by her extensions and shoved her headfirst into a nearby camera. While most reality shows have strict clauses against violence, New York was not only invited back for another season, she was rewarded with her own show debuting soon on VH1. Yay, AMERICA!

THAT GUY WHOSE TESTICLE EXPLODED (from House): Last May's season finale of House may be famous for Dr. House getting shot—but it's even MORE famous for his patient's exploding testicle! Don't ask me to remember what the diagnosis was—all I know is that this guy comes into the hospital with a swollen tongue... after which his eyeball pops out of its socket... which is then followed by his testicle exploding in a doctor's face. The world can keep on spinning for another billion years, and I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top that.


While exploding-testicle guy will always remain close to my heart, the best TV character of the year was clearly The O.C.'s TAYLOR TOWNSEND! After mopey Marissa was killed off last season (THANK GOD), the potentially really annoying Taylor did an about face and has reinvigorated a show that was on its last legs. She's funny, she's hot, and her genitalia don't have to explode to get my attention. (And that's high praise coming from me!)