Jeremy Eaton

LIKE IT OR NOT, the American political system is full of dooky! While there's nothing better than being an American and enjoying the spoils of our great country (i.e., hot rods, Kool and the Gang, and unlimited oral sex on demand), the simple act of electing a president is making me want to blow my WIG!

Think about it: The presidential elections are to the American public what the moon is to werewolves. Nice, ordinarily sane people go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs every four years and start making wacky threats like, "If this person becomes president, I'm moving to France!" Or else they'll ruin a perfectly good dinner party by getting into a screaming argument over which candidate is more horny for the oil companies. And to make matters even dookier, here comes the "Electoral College!" As if things aren't confusing enough! I have no freakin' IDEA how many electoral votes our state has, or how I should adjust my vote to make up for it! And so I'll probably just end up sitting in the voting booth in a pool of tears, urine, and mescaline while screaming, "GODDAM YOU, FOUNDING FATHERS! Why don't you just take your 'democratic process' and cram it up your ass!!"

However! Before I ruin another perfectly good pair of underpants, it might be a good idea to take some action to make the voting process fun again. And the way to do it is to have a "mock" election where we get to vote for really cool candidates of our own choice! That way, whenever the bonehead real president opens his big, fat, stupid mouth, we'll just close our eyes and imagine the president of our dreams, and life will once again be a trip to the ice cream factory. So without further ado, here are my three dream candidates for Prez of the USA!!

THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE: Optimus Prime, the Autobot leader of The Transformers! Naturally, we all remember The Transformers as the Saturday morning cartoon from the early '80s in which weird alien robots protected the Earth by "transforming" into really cool cars or other easily merchandisable objects. So, while Optimus is not only a great leader, like Al Gore, he's also a "robot in disguise!" Other attributes: He's the wisest of all Autobots, is dedicated to the protection of all life, and thinks the Decepticons are a bunch of dickholes.

THE DECEPTICO I MEAN, REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE: Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life. Played by the hunky Jared Leto, Jordan would be a perfect substitute for Bush! Not only is Jordan dyslexic and dumb as a box of rocks (just like Bush), but he's pretty easy on the eyes--if you catch my drift! (Wink, wink! Yeahhhhhh!)

THE GREEN/REFORM/INDEPENDENT/SOCIALIST CANDIDATE: President Josiah Bartlet from NBC's The West Wing. Look. Everybody knows that TV can turn out a better candidate than the screwy system we have now, so why do we keep fooling ourselves? Hey, networks! Let's start having open auditions for 2004!

So what are ya waitin' for? The Humpy voting booth is open and ready for business! Send in your vote for Bartlet, Catalano, or Optimus Prime to "I Love Television™" care of the Mercury, or e-mail And unlike some stoopid democracies I can name, I say, "Vote early and often!"