Jeremy Eaton

Ahhh sweet, sweet days of youth. You know, this Spider-Man movie has got me reminiscing about the times I would run around dressed in red underpants, my mother's pantyhose on my head, dosed to the gills on Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix. Yep, Spider-Man was my favorite superhero EVER, and I often went to ridiculous lengths to emulate him.

For example, we all know the story of Spider-Man, right? A nerd gets bitten by a radioactive spider and suddenly he's beating the crap out of people and hopping around like his pants are on fire. So after learning this, I figure, "No problem. All I gotta do is find a radioactive spider." But as it turns out? It's really HARD to find a spider like that! So finally, after trapping one of those daddy longlegs spiders in the tub, I tossed him in the microwave, nuked the shit out of him, and tried to get him to bite me. Which I'm sure he would've gladly done--had he not already been dead.

But here's the thing!! It's really unfortunate I never developed "the proportionate strength of a spider," because I'm pretty sure I would've used my powers for good. However, since I was unfairly forced to live my life as a "normal" person, I had no choice but to beat people up (sans Spider powers) to pass the time. OH! And another way I passed the time was to watch Spider-Man cartoonies! While Spidey has been turned into an animated series five times, two examples immediately come to mind: The original Spider-Man from 1966, and the 1981 version, Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends. And the reason they immediately come to mind is because the first one is GREAT, and the second one is CRAP!

The 1966 version is OBVIOUSLY superior, because of the great jazzy theme song (that includes one of the best lines ever written: "Is he strong? Listen, bud/He's got radioactive blood") and the fact that Spider-Man had no problem beating people senseless. However! 1981's Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends is obviously CRAP-erior because his so-called amazing friends were PUSSIES (Iceman and Firestorm? Playa, pleeeeease!), and Spidey never caused any significant cerebral damage with his fists! NOT ONCE! I mean, c'mon!?! What's the use of having powers if you're not gonna abuse them!!

However! It should be noted that this October, MTV is producing a brand-new animated series called (stupidly enough) Spider-Man: The Series. It's based on the current Ultimate Spider-Man comic, which certainly attains an acceptable level of violence--but guess who will be performing the voices? Ian Ziering (Steve from 90210) is Peter Parker's pal, Harry. Lisa Loeb (yes, that Lisa Loeb) is Peter's gal, Mary Jane. And playing Spidey's alter ego is (brace yourself) Neil Patrick Harris! You heard correctly! Fawking Doogie Howser, M.D.!

HAW! HAWWWWW! Well, I guess if they were trying to pick a nerd, they couldn't have done a better job. Waitasecond my "spidey sense" is tingling. I think there are some nerds that need to be clobbered! Now where are those red underpants?!?