There are those who rush around during the holidays, sending unasked-for Christmas cards, buying terrible presents for everyone (including people they hate), and begging you to attend their caroling performance—which sounds like someone threw a bag of cats into a cement mixer. Then there are those who pull down the shades, drain a bottle of Jim Beam, eat an entire pan of far-too-hot Totino's Pizza Rolls, and watch TV Christmas specials while cleaning their firearms. (Sound familiar?)
Anyway, for those in the second group, I want to make it nice and eeeeasy for you to find all your fave holiday specials this week... especially since you're drunk and holding a crossbow. So here's a list of the heavy-hitters that you won't want to miss, and... umm... I think the arrow goes in the other direction. Mmm-kay.
• A Home for the Holidays (CBS, Wed Dec 18, 8 pm). This holiday special is hosted by Celine Dion—who is perhaps certifiably insane and sings songs like she's got a giant alien worm trying to force its way out of her body. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!! (It will also feature a few terribly sad stories about foster children... so run off to the kitchen for a sandwich during those parts if you're feeling particularly suicidal. You're holding a crossbow, for Christ's sake!)
• Michael Bublé's Third Annual Christmas Special (NBC, Wed Dec 18, 10 pm). The Grammy Award winner sings the holiday songs you love—while making me want to stab my eardrum out with a roasting fork. Look. I can sing circles around this dickbone... and yet do I get a holiday special? NO, I don't! All I get is this stupid column in which I get paid to call Michael Bublé a dickbone!!
• The Little Drummer Boy (ABC Family, Sat Dec 21, 7 am). EASILY the most depressing and darkest of all the creepy wooden puppet Christmas specials. A hate-filled boy gets the opportunity to play his drum for Baby Jesus, who is all like, "UGH! You're no Tito Puente. NEXT!"
• The Year Without a Santa Claus (ABC Family, Sat Dec 21, 1:30 pm, Sun Dec 22, 7 am, Mon Dec 23, 7 pm). Featuring the most beloved of all creepy wooden holiday puppets—the Heat and Snow Miser! (Sorry, Rudolph... we'll send you your severance check in the mail.)
• Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (ABC Family, Sat Dec 21, 2:30 pm, Sun Dec 22, 8 am, Mon Dec 23, 6 pm). "Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be walkin' 'cross the floo-ooo-OR!/Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be walkin' out the DOOR!" (But don't bring the crossbow.)
• It's a Wonderful Life (NBC, Tues Dec 24, 8 pm). Jimmy Stewart stars as man who loses everything—but when he takes a hallucinogenic drug (street name: "Zuzu's Petals"), he imagines a drunken angel who shows him what life would've been like if he'd never been born. Here are three things that would've happened to the world if I hadn't been born: Totino's Pizza Roll stock would tumble. Roughly 73 children would know who their actual father is. And I wouldn't have just accidentally shot my neighbor's rooftop inflatable Santa with a crossbow. Whoops.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 CW THE IHEARTRADIO JINGLE BALL
The Madison Square Garden concert featuring Pitbull, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, Miley Cyrus, and her tongue.
9:30 ABC 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE
Barbara Walters returns with her annual list—which annually forgets all about ME!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19
8:00 FOX THE X FACTOR
Season finale! A winner is chosen—though I swear to god I had NO IDEA this show was even picked up this year.
9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CHRISTMAS
The best holiday sketches from the SNL archives.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20
8:00 CBS I LOVE LUCY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Classic I Love Lucy holiday episodes that have been unnaturally colorized for your non-enjoyment.
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
With special guest star Zach Galifianakis dressed in a Santa suit. (There ought to be a law against that.)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Jimmy Fallon with musical guest Justin Timberlake and new versions of sketches you've seen a billion times before.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) The ORIGINAL (and far superior) version starring Julie Andrews and not that buck-toothed hick Carrie Underwood.
10:00 HBO GETTING ON
Check out this very funny (and a little dark) comedy about a critical care unit for the elderly!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 23
9:00 ABC THE GREAT CHRISTMAS LIGHT FIGHT
Families battle to see who can make their front lawn Christmas decorations look the most grotesque!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24
8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
The classic 1966 cartoon followed by the live-action movie abomination starring (blech) Jim Carrey.
8:00 TBS A CHRISTMAS STORY MARATHON—Movie
(1983) Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun... for 24 hours straight!