And here's another thing that's wildly unfair! Superpowers that aren't recognized by the nerd community as legitimate superpowers! Example: Every drooling nerd in the world agrees that flying, invisibility, and being able to hold your breath underwater for an extended amount of time automatically classifies one as a superhero. HOWEVER! I have abilities far beyond those of mortal (albeit slightly effeminate) men, and not a goddamn nerd in the world appreciates them.

One such superpower I possess is "rock-star parking." Eight times out of 10 I can pull up at a restaurant or club and find a parking place—right in front, baby! Another power is porking the daughters of elected officials. What can I say? It's a gift. And my final and perhaps most important superpower is hating everything that everyone else seems to love... oh, you have that power, too? Let's form a club!

Longtime readers of this column already know that I DESPISE huge cultural events such as the Super Bowl, presidential elections (except the last one, which was okay I guess), and especially THE MOTHERFREAKING OSCARS. What a load of baloney this thing is! And yet, for reasons that are unfathomable to me, people actually seem to enjoy watching these overdressed egomaniacal hams strutting down the red carpet, and then getting AWARDS for waving their arms around and talking in funny accents. In my high school? We gave awards to thespians, too! They were called the "wedgies" and "swirlies!"

Anywhoop, the stupid Academy Awards is Sunday, February 22 (ABC, 5:30 pm), and this year promises to be more superfluous and ridiculous than ever, because let's face it—Hollywood is practically INCAPABLE of making a decent movie. In fact, in many cases, TV kicks movies' ass when it comes to quality. Mad Men, The Shield, Battlestar Galactica... these shows make movies like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button look like The Overrated Case of Blowhard Butthole! (Did you like that one? Me too.)

The way I see it? If it's been a crap year at the movies, then they shouldn't be allowed to have the Academy Awards. Or, if they must, then the nominees for Best Picture of 2008 should also have to compete against two actually classic films from the past! For example, let's say out of this year's nominees, Frost/Nixon comes out on top. However, if Frost/Nixon is simply another crap movie in a field of crap movies, what does that prove? That's why if Frost/Nixon wins the first round, it should then go on to compete that very same night with a film that's a true classic! Like what? Like motherfreaking RoboCop, bitches!

Tell the truth: Put RoboCop up against Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, and Slumdog Millionaire and tell me which movie you'd watch again and again? I have a dream, America! That one night, instead of that ugly mope Sean Penn dragging his sorry ass down the red carpet, the Oscars will get a little visit from RoboCop, who only has one prime directive: Taking the statue that's rightfully his! Now, I'd buy THAT for a dollar! (Please note RoboCop reference.)