Dear Editors of This Newspaper: While it may be tempting during these times of economic crisis to think of TV columns as "expendable content," I would like to remind you of one thing: I AM UN-FIRE-ABLE, BITCHES!
Sure, these are tough times! Sure, you have to lay off nonessential members of your workforce! Luckily for me, I'm the MOST essentialist—and here's the proof: According to the latest Nielsen survey of TV usage, the average television viewer is now watching 151 hours of TV each month... and that's a NEW WORLD RECORD, biznatch! In 2008, we were only watching a measly 146 hours per month—but thanks to the global financial meltdown, people no longer attend stupidly frivolous movies, concerts, and restaurants, and are now sitting at home on their sweet and juicies, eating pork rinds and WATCHING TV.
THEREFORE: If America is watching this much TV, then they need someone to tell them what to watch, right? And if your newspaper doesn't have someone telling them what to watch, where does this leave your newspaper? UP CRAP CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE, THAT'S WHERE! So go ahead. Cut this column—because you'll be cutting your own fiscal throat! Then when you're forced to sell your beloved paper, I'll snap it up for pennies on the dollar, change the name to the I Love Television™ Periodical Gazette, and then laugh and laugh and laugh while you huddle in a cardboard box underneath an overpass, desperately licking the spoiled, scant remains from an empty can of beans. Get it? Got it? GOOD. Now give me a raise.
Oh, and before I forget, here are some interesting things coming on television this week:
• Siegfried & Roy: The Magic Returns (ABC, Fri March 6, 9 pm). This special 20/20 episode documents the triumphant return of animal trainers Siegfried & Roy as they mount a comeback, over five years after Roy was mauled onstage by a tiger. (This time he may want to lay off the Eau de Fried Chicken cologne.)
• Breaking Bad (AMC, Sun March 8, 9 pm). This awesome show (returning for its second season) will bump up your monthly TV-watching time to 152 hours—but it's worth it! A mild-mannered chemistry teacher catches terminal cancer and turns to meth production to pay the bills. (Not a bad way for ailing newspapers to make money, either... just a suggestion.)
• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Mon March 9, 8 pm). This season features the clubfooted talents of Belinda Carlisle, Lil' Kim, David Alan Grier, Denise Richards, and other nonessential former employees of the entertainment industry.
• Castle (ABC, Mon March 9, 9 pm). Remember the hunky and funny Nathan Fillion from Firefly? He's back as a sex-hungry mystery writer who teams up with a hotsy-totsy police detective to solve crimes and have sex. Tonight's episode: "The Case of the Missing Boner. Oh, There it Is... in Your VAGINA." See? If the networks let me title the episodes, TV watching would probably increase to 152,000 hours per month! Another great reason NOT TO FIRE ME!