Jeremy Eaton

Look. I'm getting purrrrr-etty tired of all this "holiday sharing." Especially from this Jesus character! He's always riding the coattails of other holidays. Not only did Jesus horn in on Santa's action ("What a coincidence! December 25 is my birthday!"), but Easter, too? That's bogus, dude! So just for the record, here's what Easter IS, followed by what Easter AIN'T.

WHAT EASTER IS: Easter is waking up on a glorious spring day, and eating 14 packages of marshmallow Peeps by 10:00 a.m. Then around 10:01, I start in on the two-foot-tall chocolate bunny. I eat its ears, I eat its face, and then I eat its ass. I say, "Hey, Mr. Bunny! I'm eating your ASS! It feels goooooood, doesn't it?" Then I vomit.

After that I boil roughly eight dozen eggs and decorate them as famous serial killers. I hide the eggs in easy-to-find places—tucking them in rarely worn shoes is a TERRIBLE idea, btw—and collect them in a pretty pink basket, as I skip around in the nude. I eat as many boiled eggs as possible, and throw the rest at passing motorcycle cops. THE END. Wait... I nearly forgot. Then I get a horrible case of gas and spend the afternoon in stomach-clutching agony. THE END.

WHAT EASTER AIN'T: Sitting on a hard wooden pew, dressed in an embarrassing ensemble of white button-up shirt, tie, and Dockers, and listening to a religious windbag recount a snuff film starring a guy who's been dead for 2,000 years. Ummm... HELLO? WHERE ARE THE FREAKING PEEPS?!?

Now it's not that I dislike Jesus or anything, but did Lincoln get a holiday for getting capped in the noggin? NO, HE DID NOT. That's why Jesus should back the eff off from Christmas and Easter, and be happy with ONE holiday—maybe around August 10, when nothing interesting is going on. And when we're celebrating National Jesus Day, maybe we can focus on something OTHER than him being born or suffering a grisly death? THANK YOU.

Here's some stuff coming on TV this week.

Parks and Recreation (NBC, Thurs April 9, 8:30 pm). Ooh-wee, I love me some Amy Poehler (SNL), so I'm gonna love me the crap out of this new mockumentary series from the makers of The Office, about a midlevel bureaucrat in a small town's Parks and Rec department—who, by the way, would also like to be president of the United States. YES, SHE CAN!

Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (COM, Thurs April 9, 10 pm). Okay, now THAT is a good title for a TV show. This parody of all those terrible sci-fi fantasy shows (think Beastmaster) is about an insecure hero who battles an evil wizard with his magical sword that bursts into flames. (Jesus could've used one of those.)

Southland (NBC, Thurs April 9, 10 pm). This "sensitive" cop show stars the gorgeous Ben McKenzie (Ryan from The O.C.! EEEEEEEEEE!!!) as a rookie officer who learns how to navigate the crime-ridden streets of L.A. while staying completely dreamy! (Sorry, Jesus... but August 10 is now Ben McKenzie Day!)