Jeremy Eaton

Six reasons I choose not to have friends.

Reason #1: WHO FREAKIN' NEEDS THEM? I was watching a rerun of Friends the other day, and was like, "Omigod, what a bunch of walking anal cavities!" Seriously, why would these people choose to hang out with, or— worse still—live with each other? They have absolutely NOTHING in common, other than the fact that they're all stereotypes. I hate Joey, I hate Phoebe, I hate Jennifer Aniston, I hate the guy with the monkey, I hate his bitchy sister, and I would hate Chandler, too, but I'm pretty sure he'd hate me first. So that's one reason I don't have real life friends—because TV's Friends is a direct representation of the whole of humanity. Except for maybe vampires.

Reason #2: FRIENDS HURT YOUR FEELINGS! When I was in the fifth grade, Greg Horton was my best friend. We would share Hot Wheels, juice boxes, our adoration for Shirley Roundtree, and—much later—the sexually transmitted diseases Shirley Roundtree shared with the entirety of our 10th grade class. However! One day something happened that shattered my perfect relationship with Greg Horton. Something that can never be forgotten or forgiven. He came to school with a fucking ridiculous haircut, and I said, "What did you do? Fall asleep under the lawnmower?" He never spoke to me again. That's why I don't want friends, because they might say something like that to me.

Reason #3: TECHNOLOGY TRMPS FRIENDSHIP. Thanks to modern technology, "friendship" is unnecessary and old-timey! I can collect "friends" on Facebook, brag to these "friends" about my exploits on MySpace, and be bored to death by my "friends'" activities on Twitter. AND I NEVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH ANY OF THEM! It's like having imaginary friends, without the inconvenience of being confined to a mental facility.

Reason #4: FRIENDS RARELY ACT LIKE THEY DO ON ENTOURAGE. (By the way, Entourage returns with a brand new season this Sunday on HBO at 10 pm, if you care. I don't.) You know, I tried putting together an entourage once. Disaster. I won't go into detail, but let's just say if you're looking for an entourage, try something other than the "Casual Encounters" section on Craigslist.

Reason #5: I'M KIND OF A DICK. For reasons I can't quite explain, people are wary of striking up friendships with someone who classifies himself as "kind of a dick." I tend to be festive—but cruel. Girl and boyfriends are unsafe in my presence. While I enjoy borrowing money, returning it isn't a priority. However, there are those who can make this "kind of a dick" thing work. For example, check out the debut of a new laff-fest on Comedy Central entitled Michael & Michael Have Issues (Wednesday, 10:30 pm). It's a sketch comedy show starring the legitimately hilarious Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter as two friends who star in a sketch comedy show. Aaaand they're both kind of dicks. I suppose I could try to be their friend... but I kind of hate people who are dicks.

And finally, reason #6: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK. A great reason not to have friends.