I am a good person. Okay, stop laughing—I'll put it another way. I'm a good person-ish. In most cases, I make an honest effort to do the "right" thing: I hold doors open for little old ladies; if I have an extra can of garbanzo beans, I'll donate it to a needy person; and if someone in the car in front of me doesn't have enough brain cells to know they can turn right on a red, then more often than not, I DON'T lay on my horn and scream, "OH SWEET FAWKING JESUS, WILL YOU PLEEEEEASE MOVE YOUR ENORMOUS FAT ASS??!!" More often than not.

On the other hand! I've also made choices that are... shall we say... mmmm... "morally questionable." Primarily in the arena of porking. For example? Your girlfriend? Porked her. Your boyfriend? Porked him. Your mom? Porked. Your dad and sister on separate occasions? Porked porked. BUT! I have NOT porked your grandmother—despite any rumors going around the retirement home. I was merely dropping off a can of garbanzo beans. BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON! SEE?!?

That being said, my conscience is constantly nagged by good and evil. "Good" is usually represented by a tiny angel named "Gabriel," and "Evil" is a Pomeranian puppy named "Karen." (Hey, times are tough all over.) When faced with an ethical dilemma, Gabriel might say, "Oh, Humpy. Thou shouldn't pork thy niece's Girl Scout leader!" Meanwhile, Karen is jumping up and down and barking, "YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP!" (Which roughly translates to "PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!") This is why I go through two bottles of Advil a day.

However! My current ethical dilemma has to do with television. As in, should I watch a show that's uplifting and good for me, or one that's the equivalent of a Totino's frozen pizza covered with ranch dressing and chopped-up Slim Jims? (If it's important, both are shows I'd like to pork.)

Gabriel is whispering in my ear, "Humpy, there's no comparison! Watch the season premiere of Glee (Fox, Wed Sept 9, 9 pm)! Remember when this show about a struggling high school glee club premiered last spring, and it was so refreshingly charming and good-hearted, you tried to pork your television and nearly electrocuted yourself? That's why you should watch Glee! But maybe without the porking and resulting disfigurement."

Then there's Karen who's currently hopping on her back legs and yipping, "YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP!" (Multiply this by 1,000.) Translation: "Dude! Are you serious? The new Melrose Place is debuting this week (The CW, Tues Sept 8, 9 pm)! And while there's no way they're gonna top the dishy evil of the original, the newest incarnation features Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (umm... what singing career?) and they're bringing back Dr. Michael Mancini (da-rool!) and spoiled rotten Sydney (who was actually killed off in the original series... but why get bogged down by details?). So watch Melrose Place! Now, can I smell your bottom? Can I? Can I? Can I? PORK! PORK! PORK! PORK!!"

Tell you what: Why don't I watch both, and put my foot up Karen's ass? (Gabriel said it wouldn't be a sin.)