Jeremy Eaton

TV... you are truly the cruelest of mistresses. Wait! I take that back, because occasionally a mistress will have sex with you (and eventually try to blackmail you out of your life savings by informing your first wife via email that you like to be spanked with a whisk). Actually, TV is like a high school bully pretending to befriend you by offering an extra ticket to see Kajagoogoo in concert, but when you arrive he yanks down your underpants and throws you onto the stage in front of 7,000 people. (Umm... not that anything like this has ever happened to me, of course.) WAIT! TV is neither a mistress nor a high school bully... it's a paramedic who failed paramedic school, but gets the job anyway because he has an uncle in the business, and when you're on the ground suffering from a mild heart attack, the paramedic forgets what to do and tries to revive you by sticking your genitals into an angry beehive.

Yeah... that's what TV is like.

What's that? In what way is TV like a forgetful paramedic with a beehive and genital fixation? Because I've spent the entire summer slowly slipping into an alcohol-and-Doritos-induced coma because there's been absolutely NOTHING good to watch on TV! And just when I'm prepared to let Death envelop me in his sweet boney embrace... suddenly a billion new shows debut, and I'm startled back to life by the TV equivalent of an angry beehive on my joint!!

Ugh. I need to lie down. My genitals hurt. Here are some new shows debuting this week. OWW!!

• Community (NBC, debuts Thurs Sept 17, 9:30 pm). The deliciously hilarious Joel McHale (The Soup) stars as a disgraced lawyer sent back to community college to endure a Breakfast Club variety of classmates, including SNL alum Chevy Chase. A funny show that's the TV equivalent of a beehive full of bologna on your dingaling.

Bored to Death (HBO, debuts Sun Sept 20, 9:30 pm). Jason Schwartzman (he was in Rushmore, dude) is a struggling novelist turned private eye, who's assisted by everyone's favorite comedian Zach Galifianakis (he was in The Hangover, dude) and Ted Danson (he was in Becker, dude). It's like a beehive on your junk—but better, because the bees are famous!

• Modern Family (ABC, debuts Wed Sept 23, 9 pm). This show doesn't have any famous people in it—except maybe Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy from Married with Children)—but is notable because it has sharp snappy writing, a prominent gay couple (always a plus), and is deliciously mean spirited. In this case you're wearing a gay beehive on your juicy bits that is meticulously decorated.

Cougar Town (ABC, debuts Wed Sept 23, 9:30 pm). This stars the rapidly aging and desperate Courteney Cox as a rapidly aging and desperate cougar on the unsuccessful prowl for some beefy man meat. Here, your trouser ham is encased in a beehive filled with angry bees that sting the shit out of you—and then drink three cosmos before bursting into tears. (Oh, why... why... why can't this show be about actual cougars?)