THERE'S NOTHING GOOD debuting on TV this week, which forces me to do the unthinkable: write about Stargate. I KNOW, RIGHT? My booty-tapping stats are diminishing by the second! Even worse, I know absolutely NOTHING about the Stargate shows—primarily because I have other interests, which include getting laid and NOT getting beat up. Therefore I've decided to bring in an expert this week: an actual bespectacled nerd and self-proclaimed Stargate fan (HA!!), who presumably is going to explain the difference between the old Stargate series and the newest member of the franchise debuting this week, Stargate Universe (SYFY, Fri Oct 2, 9 pm). He'll also explain why I shouldn't stick his head in a toilet. Enjoy!

HUMPY: Hello, Nerd.

NERD: I really wish you wouldn't refer to me as "Nerd"—my name is Brian, and...

HUMPY: So here's my first question, Nerd. What the freak is a "stargate," and why am I so filled with anger whenever you mention the word?

NERD: Hmm... okay... well, Stargate was originally a movie starring Kurt Russell...


NERD: I'm sorry?

HUMPY: Kurt Russell, man!! WOOOOO!!

NERD: Yes... well... he is quite an accomplished actor. Anyway, these stargates are devices—controlled wormholes of sorts—left behind by the "Ancients" to facilitate interstellar travel...

HUMPY: HA! You said "wormhole."

NERD: Umm... yes... And in the first Stargate series, known as SG-1, Richard Dean Anderson leads a military group into the stargate to discover...

HUMPY: Hold on, Nerd! Where's Kurt Russell?

NERD: He's not in the series.

HUMPY: That's... bullshit, Nerd.

NERD: [Long uncomfortable pause.] Uh... yeah... I suppose you're right. Anyway...

HUMPY: Richard Dean Anderson... MacGyver, right?

NERD: Yes! Exactly! He was MacGyver!

HUMPY: I freaking hate MacGyver... Nerd.

NERD: [Pause.] You know... I'm really feeling threatened by you right now.

HUMPY: [Silence.]

NERD: So! About this new series, Stargate Universe...

HUMPY: So is it true that in the original Stargate series, people had eels in their stomachs and there were "space vampires" with vaginas on their hands?

NERD: Whu... wow. I really wouldn't put it that way... but yeah, in SG-1, there were stomach eels, and in Stargate Atlantis there were aliens called the Wraith who... okay, had feeding orifices on their hands one could say resembled vaginas—BUT THEY WERE NOT USED IN SUCH A CRUDE...

HUMPY: Ha! Haaa! The vampires had "handginas"!

NERD: They weren't hand... I mean, vaginas! They were biological orifices designed to suck the life force out of...

HUMPY: And by "life force" you mean "sperm."

NERD: Absolutely not! It was how the Wraith...

HUMPY: Kind of gives a new meaning to handjobs, huh?

NERD: No! No! No! Look... do you want to learn about the new Stargate Universe series or not?

HUMPY: Actually, I was hoping you could give me a handjob with your handgina.

[At this point in the interview, the nerd tried to leave, but I chased him down, dragged him to a nearby toilet and gave him a swirlie—but here's the funny part! As his hair was swirling around inside the toilet? It looked like a stargate! Man. Life is cool.]