Jeremy Eaton

LET ME TELL YOU people about a mothereffer named Steven Seagal. There have been a limited number of totally unfuckwithable badasses who have walked this earth—here are the top 10 in descending order: (1) Lee Marvin, (2) Snake Plissken, (3) Optimus Prime, (4) Teddy Roosevelt, (5) Foxy Brown, (6) Steven Seagal, (7) King Leonidas of Sparta, (8) Samuel L. Jackson, (9) Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting, and (10) my cousin Randy, who accidentally amputated his thumb during a minibike race but refused to go to the hospital because he hadn't crossed the finish line. The dog found the thumb three days later. Oh! And Chuck Norris.

But did you notice number 6? That's where Steven Seagal's name is! Now, there may be some philistines who are too culturally ignorant to recognize the holy name of Seagal, and for those I offer the following primer: Seagal is one of the top action-movie stars of all time, starring in such classics as Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Under Seige, Under Siege 2, and about a billion other straight-to-DVD offerings that unrepentantly KICK ASS. He's a 7th-dan black belt in aikido, he wears a ponytail, and he says stuff to bad guys like, "I'm gonna take you to the bank... the BLOOD BANK." Then he snaps their femurs like toothpicks that can inexplicably gush blood.

Anyway, that's Steven Seagal. Okay, sure, there's more, but much of it is uninteresting. He's a Buddhist (SNORE!), environmentalist (SNORE!), singer/songwriter (HUH?), and according to Wikipedia, "he has been recognized by Tibetan lama Penor Rinpoche as a reincarnated Tulku of 17th century eastern Tibet, Chungdrag Dorje" (hmmm... SNORE!). But besides the ass-kickability he regularly displays in his movies, here's the most awesome thing about Seagal: He's an actual part-time cop with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office in Louisiana. I CRAP YOU NOT! And prepare to hear the most amazing news you will ever hear in your life—this coming Wednesday, December 2, at 10 pm, A&E is debuting a brand-new reality show about this star's exploits with the sheriff's office amazingly entitled Steven Seagal: Lawman. You may now scream girlishly and ejaculate into your pants.

Done screaming and ejaculating? Good. Then I will somehow attempt to capture the nearly unbelievable awesomosity of this show. Steven Seagal: Lawman is a lot like Cops—except without boring no-name police officers who have never starred in Under Siege 2. Actually there are some boring no-name police officers in this show, but their main function is to (a) learn Seagal's badass aikido moves, (b) nod reverently when Seagal imparts some nugget of wisdom on the human condition, and (c) handcuff the asshole criminals who Seagal overwhelms with his sweet aikido moves, and chuckle happily as the crooks scream, "AAAHHH!!! YOU'RE BREAKING MY ARM!!! Wait... aren't you Steven Seagal?"

Obviously, Louisiana's crime stats drop nearly to zero whenever Seagal's on the beat—because even if they don't respect the laws of the land? Criminals will always value their femurs. And you can take that to the bank.

The blood bank, that is.