Artwork by Jeremy Eaton

TO THOSE WHO remembered to buy me an Xmas gift last year—I thank you, and am mostly, if not entirely pleased with your purchase. For those who neglected to procure me a gift—we need to talk. What we have between us is an unspoken agreement. I provide 52 weeks of columns a year, containing at least 37 percent actual useful information, and in return, you provide me with one (or more) things from the following list: (1) A paycheck. (2) Some sex. (3) Ham. (4) Booze. (5) Booze-soaked ham. (6) A charitable donation made in my name to me. (7) Pharmaceuticals. (8) A constant stream of compliments. (9) Alibis and/or bail. (10) Or in absence of the first nine things on this list, GIFTS.

Sooooooo... where's the gift? Usually, by this time in the season, my tree is on the verge of toppling thanks to the ginormous pile of presents sitting gingerly beneath its branches. But as of five minutes ago? There's nothing but a package of tube socks from my grandma—WHO REMEMBERED TO SEND ME SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS THE ALZHEIMER'S!! However. Though my heart has been broken by you a billion times, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume the reason you haven't purchased me a gift is because you have no idea what to get me. Am I right?

LIAR!!! You know exactly what to get me, because I tell you every stinking year! You may purchase me anything off the "As Seen on TV" website (, which features all those amazing inventions/gadgets you see on late-night TV, such as George Foreman Grills, ShamWows, Clappers, anything from Ronco, and the Holy Grail of "As Seen on TV" gifts, the Snuggie. (Note to those who bought me a Snuggie last year: Due to frequent and bizarre sexual usage, I need at least 12 more. They come in leopard print now! Rrrowrr.)

Anyway, you can get me practically anything from this site, except for the following products, which might sound perfect for me, but are actually evil examples of false advertising! For example:

Humunga Tongue. As you have probably surmised, having a huge—even humongous—tongue is a necessity in my business. But instead of being an elixir to increase the size of one's tongue, this is some stupid dog toy that's just shaped like a humongous tongue. (Which might do in a pinch—but lacks a realistic texture.)

• Facial Magic. This is actually an anti-wrinkle cream, and not... well, you know. RIP OFF!!

Bikini Touch. Basically, this is just a fancy pube trimmer, rather than something that has landed me in jail on more than one occasion.

RoboMaid. Waitasecond! This is one of those saucer-shaped hovercraft thingies that skim across your floor picking up dust! It is NOT shaped like Angelina Jolie, it is NOT wearing a French maid outfit, and it does NOT cuddle me in her arms, stroke my forehead, and coo softly in my ear, "I'll destroy all your enemies with my built-in flamethrower, right after I stain guard your Snuggie."

BTW, I really need a new Snuggie. Stat!