OH, IS THAT HOW it's gonna be, television? You're gonna make me choose? After years of dedicated viewership, you're going to treat me like I'm Tiger Woods and force me to settle on a single mistress/skank? Well, EFF YOU, my friend. I didn't make the ludicrous decision to program THREE AMAZING SHOWS to air at the same time this week. That would be like eating three of my favorite meals in the world—a Canadian bacon Totino's pizza, a hamdogger (three hot dogs crammed inside a hamburger), and a quart of vodka—in one sitting. It's ridiculous. And now I'm starving. And thirsty.
I HAVE A LIFE YOU KNOW! When I'm not watching television, I have a full and robust existence that includes but is not limited to street drag racing, hosting illegal donkey fights, marketing the hamdogger, attending Justin Bieber fan club meetings, chasing cars while barking like a dog (which is really fun), and sexual promiscuity. I'm sure I'm forgetting something. OH! And writing angry, thoughtless TV columns. So, yes! VERY BUSY!
And when television decides to program three perfectly viewable shows all at the same hour on the same day? It really cock-blocks my personal donkey fighting/hamdogger time! And as you can probably imagine, my TiVo can only handle so much! That's why I'm being forced to choose from the following three shows—all showing this coming Tuesday night—all at 9 pm. ACK!!
• Lost (ABC): Here's my conundrum with Lost—I kinda love it and I kinda wanna stab its eyes out. Even though the producers swear they have a brilliant and mind-blowing conclusion in store, I can't help but imagine the writers are actually just 10 monkeys sitting in a circle, masturbating into a Dixie cup. ON THE OTHER HAND! I'm afraid if I skip an episode, I'll miss something critical (like Sun whipping off her bra) and then I'll look like a total idiot when the finale rolls around, I STILL have no idea what's going on, and I'm drinking out of the monkeys' Dixie cup!
• Glee (Fox): What?? Are you freaking kidding me? You're going to schedule the Madonna episode of Glee at the same time as Lost? Perhaps you don't understand what's going on here: A Madonna episode of Glee is like the biggest pimple in the universe, except instead of pus, it's filled with "gay." And that same pimple is going to pop and squirt gay all over the face of America! AND I'M SUPPOSED TO MISS THAT?!?
• Hunt for the Giant Octopus (National Geographic Wild): Did I tell you that it's my dream to capture a giant octopus, put it in a gigantic tank in a bar, and charge people to watch it wrestle nude strippers? Huh. I thought for sure I mentioned it. Anyway! How am I supposed to find out where to capture giant octopuses if I don't watch this show? Which is at the same time as Lost and my favorite gay pimple, Glee? TUESDAY AT NINE O'CLOCK IS GOING TO BE THE WORST DAY (AND HOUR) OF MY LIFE!! (If you don't include the day a fighting donkey ate my hamdogger recipe.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 15
9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IN THE 2000s
Documenting the last 10 years of SNL. (Kristen Wiig... remember her? Good times, good times.)
9:00 ANI WEIRD, TRUE, AND FREAKY
Animals who get high! Including: reindeers who eat mushrooms and an octopus who can smoke eight doobies.
FRIDAY, APRIL 16
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
A survivalist family swaps with parents who dote on their golf prodigy daughter. (Hey, golf could be big during the apocalypse!)
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Season premiere! The 11th Doctor Who appears and can't work his sonic screwdriver. (It's so hard to find good Whos these days.)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Ryan Phillippe. Musical guest: Ke$ha. (You, madam, are no Justin Bieber.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 18
7:00 SYFY RIVERWORLD—Movie
(2010) Alan Cumming wakes up in a strange land covered by (you guessed it) rivers in this movie based on the books by Philip Jose Farmer.
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Gus can't figure out how to get Walt back in the meth-production business. (Try motivational posters!)
MONDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 FOX HOUSE
A "knight" falls ill at a renaissance faire, which gives Dr. House the perfect opportunity to use his leeches.
9:00 FOX 24
Unfortunately for President Taylor, the terrorists will only deal with one person: evil former Prez Logan! (YAY!)
TUESDAY, APRIL 20
9:00 ABC LOST
The increasingly crazy Jack Shephard is this episode's focus, which means plenty of pill popping in "sideways world!"
9:00 FOX GLEE
The kids sing Madonna, and Kurt gives Sue a makeover. SQUIRT!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
In their annual charity episode, American Idol focuses on "giving back." (But can't they give back Kara as well??)
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
This week's guest judge is Whitney Port! (You know... from The City? Okay... from The Hills? OH, NEVER MIND!!)