Didja hear? Didja hear? The New York Post reported that NBC may be cutting back on its coverage of this week's royal wedding because, according to inside sources, Prince William and bride-to-be Kate Middleton have as much sex appeal as an apple rotting on a windowsill.
"This could not be more false!" squawked a rep for NBC. "NBC News has the most aggressive and comprehensive coverage of the royal wedding, as you will see when you tune in to Today starting Friday [April 29] at 4 am, to Dateline at 9 pm, and on MSNBC, Telemundo, etc." The rep then added, "This has been the plan from the beginning... and with that I bid you cheerio!"
For once, I am in "aggressive and comprehensive" agreement with NBC! There is absolutely no truth whatsoever in the vicious, unsubstantiated rumors that this royal wedding will be as boring as a hair and chalk salad. True, most people would rather slice a femoral artery than attend a relative's wedding (unless there's a good chance of boning a bridesmaid or groomsman in the bushes), BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR AVERAGE WEDDING, AND PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE ARE NOT YOUR AVERAGE COUPLE! Example: According to Wikipedia, Kate and Prince William are "possibly 12th cousins twice removed." (EWWW! GROSS!! Just imagine what their kids' teeth are gonna look like!)
Anyway, what follows are three very good reasons you should aggressively and comprehensively watch every goddamn second of what will surely be the goddamn social event of the century.
• It'll be the goddamn social event of the century! Dude, everyone's gonna be there! David and Victoria Beckham! Director Guy Ritchie! That lesbian chick from the Spice Girls! Newbury-based horse trainer Hugh Morrison! Lord Patrick Mayhew of Twysden! Duchess of Northumberland Jane Percy! Lady Laura Marsham (daughter of Julian Marsham, the eighth earl of Romley)! And, of course, Sir Dandy Fancylad, the 23rd Duke of Foppingsworth! (Plus, if we're lucky, Carrot Top. Fingers crossed!)
• A royal wedding is like a regular wedding—on crack steroids! Here's what you can expect in this three-hour-long extravaganza: a grandiose parade to Westminster Abbey! An unrelentingly somber ceremony presided over by at least three centenarian bishops! Another flamboyant parade to Buckingham Palace! The happy couple and the queen of England appearing on the balcony to administer that weird backhanded wave! A thrilling (and totally unnecessary) flyby courtesy of the Royal Air Force! And, finally, yet another parade, this time composed of insanely drunken Brits in "Kiss Me Kate!" fuzzy crowns overturning lorries and puking up their lunch of spotted dick.
• Guys! Prince William may one day become the king of freaking England! (After he poisons his big-eared father, Charles, that is.) Then he and his vengeful queen—who prefers to be called "Catherine" instead of "Kate," thankyouverymuch—will summon their massive army to smite anyone who made fun of or ignored their history-making wedding! And if they decide to also call forth the royal wizard? Pssssht. You're up crap creek, pal.
That's why I'm going to aggressively and comprehensively watch the shit out of this wedding—AND SO WILL YOU. And with that I bid you cheerio! (Pass the spotted dick.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 28
8:00 ABC 20/20: THE ROYAL WEDDING: A MODERN FAIRYTALE
So I suppose the difference between a modern fairytale and an old-timey fairy tale is that the characters used to be more attractive?
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
In this hour-long episode, Michael bids his final goodbyes as the office collapses around him.
FRIDAY, APRIL 29
8:00 CBS THE ROYAL WEDDING: MODERN MAJESTY
A recap of today's royal wedding, including the ceremony! The pageantry! The really huge misshapen teeth!
10:00 E! FASHION POLICE: ROYAL WEDDING SPECIAL
Joan Rivers and her gang of bitches insult the royal family's clothing... and oh, yeah! Huge misshapen teeth!
SATURDAY, APRIL 30
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
The FBI imprisons the Doctor on charges of third-degree nerdiness.
10:00 ANI PET SPECIAL: TOO CUTE KITTENS!
An hour of adorable kittens. OH, WHAT? LIKE YOU NEED SOMETHING ELSE?
SUNDAY, MAY 1
9:00 VH1 AUDRINA
Audrina is gravely insulted after the royal family refuses to invite her to the wedding. But her teeth look exactly like theirs!!
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Ned is simply aghast to learn that the crown is deeply in debt. (Whatever! Just hurry up and have sex already!)
MONDAY, MAY 2
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Blair finally gets a shot for happiness—which Serena is all too happy to ruin.
TUESDAY, MAY 3
8:00 FOX GLEE
Sue takes over the school newspaper to print incendiary, stupid articles. (I wonder if she needs a TV columnist?)
8:00 TOON THE LOONEY TUNES SHOW
Bugs, Daffy, and Porky get a modern reboot in this new cartoon that will probably be freaking awful.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 4
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
It's down to the top five! (America! Do your part and vote off that Asperger's cry baby!!)
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Claire and Gloria's Mother's Day festivities turn into a mother-effing disaster.