GAHHH! What's that glowing orb in the sky? There are only two possible choices: It's either Apollo riding down to earth on his dazzling chariot to smite all unbelievers (in which case, we need a nubile virgin to sacrifice—STAT), or I'm suffering from yet another stroke (which would make the third this week). Wait... oh, goddammit, never mind... it's just the SUN.
UNGHHH!!!! I hate the sun! Every summer it's the same goddamn thing! For the entirety of winter and spring I'm perfectly content to curl up on my couch, watch TV, and lazily lick the crumbs off an empty pan of Totino's pizza rolls. Then, without warning... BAM! The goddamn sun—like a thunderstorm of serrated steak knives—comes blasting out of the sky, crashing through my filthy Croatian blinds (can't afford the Venetian variety), and directly into my eyeballs. It STAB, STAB, STABBITY STABS my poor defenseless eyes until they're utterly useless for what God intended, i.e., watching multiple episodes of Disney's Gummi Bears and internet porn.
NEWS FLASH, nature freaks! The sun is dangerous and evil. FACT: The temperature of the sun is 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and 27 million degrees at its core! That's hotter than the Totino's pizza roll pan I just burned my tongue on. Oh, and the sun is also 870,000 miles wide—which means it could totally sit on and crush you. And it would, too! You think the sun gives a crap? The day's gonna come when the sun stops being satisfied with burning the retinas from our eyes, and starts rolling over us like a 870,000-mile-wide flaming hot pizza roll.
Ummm... I'm hungry.
Anyway, lucky me, the new summer shows are upon us (examples will follow), allowing me to hole up in my crib until the evil sun finally decides to take its deadly rays elsewhere. (Preferably Canada. Have I mentioned I hate Canada? One of their birds pooped on my head.)
Expedition Impossible (ABC, debuts Thurs June 23, 9 pm) Thirteen teams compete in a life-threatening race that involves rock climbing, kayaking, and running through the desert. SOUNDS TIRING. I'm taking a nap.
Wilfred (FX, debuts Thurs June 23, 10 pm) Frodo from The Lord of the Rings (okay, fine, whatever, Elijah Wood) stars as a loser that gets suspicious advice from a dude in a dog suit (Jason Gann). This mind-bending sitcom is getting good buzz, so check it out—unless you're a schizophrenic, in which case you may get more confused.
True Blood (HBO, season premiere, Sun June 26, 9 pm) The sexiest vampire show around returns, and the best part? NO SUN. Vampires know the score, man. Nothing ruins a good sex session and turns you into dust like "sun."
Louie (FX, season premiere Thurs June 23, 10:30 pm) The always-hilarious Louie C.K. (except when he's defending Tracy Morgan's anti-gay rants) is back with his awesomely bent sitcom. In this episode, Louie's long-lost sister unexpectedly shows up, and thanks to her 27 million degree temperature, instantly incinerates him. Wait... GODDAMN YOU, SUN!! (Hurry up and eat your pizza rolls, everybody! The end is nigh!)
THURSDAY, JUNE 23
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Season premiere! Wipeout pits "Hottie" against "Nerd" to see whose spinal cord will snap easier.
10:00 USA SUITS
Debut! A lazy lawyer hires a legal prodigy to win cases—the problem? The prodigy isn't actually a lawyer.
FRIDAY, JUNE 24
10:00 IFC RHETT & LINK: COMMERCIAL KINGS
Debut! Internet-famous Rhett and Link travel the country making heelarious commercials for small local businesses.
11:00 IFC YOUNG, BROKE & BEAUTIFUL
Debut! Host "Broke-Ass Stuart" explores the subcultures (read: shiftless hipsters) of different cities.
SATURDAY, JUNE 25
10:00 BIO CELEBRITY CLOSE CALLS
Celebrities reveal their brushes with death. Tonight: Bobby Brown, whose entire life is a brush with death.
SUNDAY, JUNE 26
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! Eric and Bill employ new methods to win over the humans... now with 20 percent less murdering!
10:00 NBC THE MARRIAGE REF
Season premiere! The annoying Jerry Seinfeld returns with his annoying show, tonight guest starring the now-annoying Ricky Gervais.
MONDAY, JUNE 27
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Ashley visits Hong Kong with her eight bachelors, putting the entire country under a severe STD watch.
10:00 PBS AMERICAN EXPERIENCE
A documentary on the marriage of Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln—not exactly a "party couple."
TUESDAY, JUNE 28
8:00 TLC I KID WITH BRAD GARRETT
Debut! The sidekick from Everybody Loves Raymond interviews kids who, apparently, say the goddamnest things.
9:00 ABC 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW
Tonight losers leave the show by being dragged by a powerboat, and crushed by a monster truck. (Why would I want to do this again?)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29
8:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season finale! The winner is chosen, and Christina finally explains why her face looks so weird.
10:00 VH1 BEHIND THE MUSIC: MISSY ELLIOTT
"Is it worth it/let me work it/I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it!"