Jeremy Eaton

A couple of important television notes before we get to today's pressing topic: Sexy Millard Fillmore.

(1) OMG! Dancing with the Stars returns this Monday (ABC, 8 pm) and not only does it feature my hirsute idol Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg as a contestant, but also deaf Marlee Matlin. I'm really digging that Dancing insists on including the disabled in their competition, such as one-legged Heather Mills, mentally handicapable Tucker Carlson, and yes... even Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg himself. (Why is Guttenberg considered "disabled"? It's impossible for him to walk around in public with my arms wrapped around his legs.)

(2) Don't watch The Return of Jezebel James (Fox, Friday, March 14, 8 pm)! Yes, I know it stars Parker Mothereffing Posey and Lauren Mothereffing Ambrose from Six Feet Mothereffing Under. Unfortunately, it's AWFUL. I mean, really AWFUL. It's the kind of awful that makes you want to claw your face open so your skeleton can hop out and kickfuck your TV to death.

Okay, on that genteel note, let's move straight to the subject of "Sexy Millard Fillmore." Now, as you may know, this week marks the debut of HBO's seven-part mini-series, John Adams (Sunday, March 16, 8 pm), in which the second prez of the United States is portrayed by the awesome Paul Giamatti, and Adams' wife is played by the equally awesome Laura Linney. Based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning biography by David McCullough, and produced by Tom Hanks, John Adams is supposed to be a realistic portrayal of our country's explosive birth, and the creation of the Declaration of Independence. And... all together now... SNORE!!

Don't get me wrong—I love me some Paul Giamatti. He's a great actor, and if anyone can make "bicameralism" interesting, it's him. HOWEVER! Instead of getting all obsessed with John Adams, HBO should've considered MY 27-part mini-series script entitled (you guessed it) Sexy Millard Fillmore!

You know Millard Fillmore as our 13th president who was unexpectedly thrust into office after President Zachary Taylor died suddenly of gastroenteritis. And other than signing the Compromise of 1850 (designed to prevent the Civil War—and we see how well that worked out), Fillmore didn't do a whole lot. BUT SEE? That's why I'm putting "Sexy" in the title! And that's why I'm casting Justin Timberlake as Millard Fillmore!

See, my script isn't bogged down by the so-called "facts" clogging up Fillmore's Wikipedia entry. My script is more what you might call... "factual-ish." For example, take the scene where Millard Fillmore meets his soon-to-be wife Abigail Powers (in my version, played by a non-pregnant Jessica Alba in a bikini). "What up, bizzity-boo?" Fillmore/Timberlake says to a coy Abigail/Jessica, who's churning some butter or doing something else old-timey. "Yo! Me and Zach Taylor are getting bizz-AY at the Whig party tonight—and you're invited!" And Abigail/Jessica is all like, "Ooh, Fillmore... you so foyne." Then they get to the Whig party and New York Governor and political rival William H. Seward (played by Ludacris) shows up talking back-sass to Fillmore! And that can only mean one thing: DANCE OFF!

Sexy Millard Fillmore: Best... 27-part... mini-series... EVER.