Steven Seagal: Best Ass-Kickin' Actor Ever!
So far, the Mercury's sweet-ass Steven Seagal issue has primarily been about how fucking awesome Steven Seagal is. But instead of more Seagal hype, let's take an evenhanded, objective look at his competition for the title of Best Ass-Kickin' Actor Ever.
• Sidekicks (1992)—Chuck Norris seems like he could take on Seagal, right? Wrong, motherfucker! For proof, check out this crapfest about a stupid kid (Jonathan Brandis) who pretends he's buds with Norris (who plays himself, the narcissistic ass). Wacky Mercury Trivia™! In November of 2003, Brandis hung himself. Coincidence? Not likely. Hey Chuck, thanks for killing Jonathan Brandis. Dick.
• Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)—What's that? Sylvester Stallone could beat up Steven Seagal?! Please! In this "comedy," Sly pairs with The Golden Girls' Estelle Getty—and she's the tough one! Ka-ZING!
• Batman & Robin (1997)—If you think Arnold Schwarzenegger is tougher than Steven Seagal, then you're retarded, and you should go to a doctor or something. Case in point: Arnold as Mr. Freeze in the gay-tastic Batman & Robin, in which he delivers lines like "Cool party!" and "You're not sending me to the cooler!" and "Ice to see you!" and "Allow me to break the ice—my name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom!" Actually, Arnold, that's the sound of you sucking. Hard.
• Knock Off (1998)—Now you're getting desperate—Jean-Claude Van Damme?! Don't waste my time! Instead, waste yours and watch Knock Off, in which Van Damme plays a fashion designer who has to get Rob Schneider's help to stop a shipment of counterfeit jeans. (Typing that sentence depressed me so much that I felt as if I'd never smile again... but then I thought of Steven Seagal, who makes me happier than a million puppies made of chocolate ice cream! Steven Seagal, you're the best.)