Are you looking for love this Christmas? Are you hella divorced and sad? And tell me, how do you feel about fat suits? Totally turned on? I thought so. Well, you're in for a treat, lady, because: "This Christmas, the perfect man just happens to be Santa."

That mind-blowing tagline belongs to The Perfect Holiday, a movie about a nice, lonely gal named Nancy (Gabrielle Union). Nancy is one of those movie moms: "She's so busy being everything for everybody, there's nobody left for herself!" Boo hoo, right? Right. Because Nancy lives in a fancy mansion with three not-at-all troublesome baby children, and Nancy's "job" consists of cashing hefty checks from her P. Diddy-ish ex-husband and going to the mall to visit hot Santa. Nancy. SERIOUSLY. What is so stressful?

The Perfect Holiday opens with some animated credits in which cartoon Terence Howard (grinchy!) repeatedly attempts to murder cartoon Queen Latifah (jolly!), using a saw, a blowtorch, and some sort of military defoliant. Then Latifah coaxes "the first snowflake of the season" into her giant mouth. "Come in, li'l fella!" she says, "Mmmm, buttery, supple, and with a clean finish. Just like Christmas is supposed to taste!" Um, ick.

It turns out that hot Santa (Morris Chestnut, created in a lab out of fairy dust and handsome juice) is not only hot, he also gives money and scarves to the homeless, and croons gentle holiday melodies filled with heart. And after a little hint-hint from Nancy's baby kid, hot Santa goes a-wooing. Is any of this making sense?

At this point, because I cannot stop thinking about it, I need to tell you that Nancy's ex, a rapper or something, goes by the name J. Jizzy. He has a clothing line called "Jizzy Gear." Jizzy. Gear. Excuse me, man. Look at your gear. Your gear is covered with jizz. Why did you buy that gear? IT'S JIZZY GEAR! This Christmas, the perfect man just happens to be—EEEEEEEEEW! SANTA, I THINK YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR GEAR.